Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly
by Duwee Davis II
Summary: Flandre's Laevateinn has been stolen! A mysterious pair of newcomers seem to be to blame- and Reimu naturally is picking up the pieces. But, there's something unique about one of the newcomers... A fanfic conversion of my hand-drawn doujin.
1. 01: Traditional Reporter of Fantasy

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 1: Traditional Reporter of Fantasy**

_Hakurei Shrine, early morning_

Reimu's bedroom was a sparse place. There was a pendulum-operated Cuckoo Clock, a bedside table, and of course, a bed. The shrine maiden in question was emerging from the said bed just as the clock struck five to six.

"Ugh... I beat my alarm to it, but I still feel like crap..." Reimu moaned to herself, still half asleep. She crawled into her kitchen, and searched the cupboards. Suika had promised to bring her some food for today, but it seemed that the instant noodles Yukari Yakumo brought from the outside world would have to do.

Reimu boiled some water, added it to the strange, pot-like vessel, and waited. In an instant, she checked back- still not cooked. Reimu's sanity broke like a twig.

"RRG! WHY CALL IT INSTANT IF IT ISN'T?" she yelled at the top of her voice.

By half-past six, the Noodles were eaten. Reimu sighed to herself.

"It's only six-thirty and already I want this day to end..."

Then, in an instant, a deafening crash interrupted the dullness of the day. Reimu knew the cause- her wall breaking as a certain Tengu dashed through it.

"Sorry for intruding!" said a chirpy Aya Shameimaru, waving a rolled-up newspaper.

Reimu's head twitched slightly, before she sprinted at Aya, grabbed her by the collar, and screamed, "YOU THINK? Have you ever heard of a door?"

Aya, composed as ever, simply replied, "I was only popping by to drop off the Bunbunmaru paper. There's an interesting article on page six..."

Reimu's mind blocked off the Tengu's incessant self-advertisement as she tried to figure out how to fix a great big, reporter-shaped hole in her shrine's wall. She couldn't just ask Suika for help... the Oni did enough work for her as it was. Although Suika was a drunk, Reimu felt bad making someone that kind-hearted work tirelessly for no pay.

"...so you should totally read it! When are you gonna read it, Reimu?" Aya finally finished.

The way Aya looked at Reimu made it clear what she wanted. "You're not gonna leave until I read your paper, are you?"

"My, you're perceptive! You should be a journalist too!"

"Was that supposed to be sarcasm?" Reimu asked.

A sweat-drop formed on Aya's forehead. "Not at all. Will you read it now?"

Reimu was growing sick of Aya quickly. "FINE! Now get out of my house!"

So Reimu decided to read the paper. Page six, she said? Well, if Aya finds it interesting, it could merely be a dumb article on Cirno being eaten by a frog.

But lo, and behold, the article had substance. 'Another Mansion!' read the headline, with a subtitle of 'Mysterious appearance of Western-style mansion'.

Reimu couldn't be bothered reading the rest of the article, but wanted answers. "So, you didn't go in the mansion? See the owner?"

Her reply was another crash, causing a second reporter-shaped hole in the wall.

"Sometimes I wish I could kill that damned Tengu..."

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, circa half-past seven_

The Scarlet Devil Mansion- the elaborate, falsely majestic mansion, complete with flower-filled grounds, and a sleeping Chinese Guard.

In the windowless, mysterious library, was the windowless, mysterious Patchouli Knowledge. She was researching how to use magic to permanently cure ticks. But her ground-breaking work was interrupted by a child-like scream from the basement.

Patchouli rushed down in shock, and opened Flandre's bedroom door.

"Lady Flandre! What's wrong?"

The blonde vampiress was in tears. She hiccuped, and sniffed, and finally managed to bring out some words. "Patchy... Laevateinn... it's... it's..."

Patchouli knew what was coming, but waited for Flandre to stop coughing, wailing and sobbing to say it herself. "LAEVATEINN'S GONE!"

Flandre hung her head in shame, and as if out of nowhere, the black haired Wind God Girl appeared behind the vampire.

"Gone... or stolen?" the irritating voice of Aya asked.

"May I ask how... and why you came here?" Patchouli Knowledge asked, failing to disguise her disdain for the Tengu.

"Well, to answer Question one, I broke through the East Wing's window, and for Question two, I never turn down a good scoop!" Aya promptly left after saying this.

Patchouli exhaled. "Figures... Flandre, do you want me to get Lady Remilia?"

"No..." Flandre hiccuped some more, "She'd just get mad anyway."

However, Lady Remilia was just about to be informed regardless. Flandre and Patchouli heard some distinct shouts from upstairs.

Remilia's voice shouted, "I said no journalists! Especially YOU! Sakuya, send her out!"

"My pleasure, Milady..."

Aya was genuinely frightened of this human. "Nononononononono... I'll just send myself out..." the voice of Aya stuttered before the voice of Sakuya replied, "No, I insist..."

_Hakurei Shrine, circa ten-past eight._

Reimu was enjoying a not-exactly well earned rest, when, for the third time today, a crashing sound destroyed a part of her wall.

Aya was shouting, "Ah! Ow! Oh! Knife! Knife! The pain! Oh, the pain! Is it 'cos they're silver? Ow! Ow! OW!"

The ever-groggy Reimu simply groaned, "You know... where the door is... just... do whatever it is you need to do here. There's a healing alter at the back... you need healing, right? Or am I mistaken?"

Aya's pride-filled face had been drained, and she summoned enough energy to say, "Thanks for letting me recharge here..."

Author's note: Aya is sort of the main character in this chapter, eh? It won't stay that way, I promise. But she is pivotal, so she needs some spotlight time. And where is this Dawitsu mentioned in the title? Well, wait, and you'll see. Give me a chance!

You have to introduce OCs subtly and effectively... so yeah. Laevateinn's missing!

UPDATE: Only one letter, but was really annoying me. One of the 'off's was an 'of'.

Argh!


	2. 02: Floating Mansion in the sky

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 2: Floating Mansion in the sky**

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, half-past eleven post-meridian_

Remilia Scarlet was waiting in her room, waiting for Flandre to enter, with Sakuya at her side. Patchouli was outside the room, feverishly trying to convince Flandre to speak to her big sister.

"Come on, Flandre... she won't shout at you..."

"She will! She'll shout, and... and say that I'm never allowed out of the basement for another four hundred and ninety five years!"

"Please, Flandre..."

Meanwhile, Remilia and Sakuya were discussing who the thief could be.

"Well, I know who did it! It was that Marisa girl!" Remilia remarked.

Sakuya secretly disagreed, but replied, "Agreed... Milady."

Eventually, after what seemed like a lifetime of persuasion, Flandre finally opened Remilia's bedroom door.

"B-b-b-big sister... I'm s-s-s-sorry I... lost... Laevateinn..."

Remilia felt a twinge of pity for her own flesh and blood, and thought of a method to rectify the situation which would work out best for both of them.

"It's okay... in fact, I know something that you might find fun..."

_Forest of Magic, midnight_

"Where's the house I get to play with?" asked Flandre excitedly. The night was clear, and Flandre had never gone out the mansion, so this was quite the occasion.

"There, Flan-chan. Go on! Check it out!" Remilia said, while pointing to a small western-style cottage. The occupant of the house was fast asleep, with a book in her hands.

"That's it? I was expecting something bigger... but it's still more than enough fun!" Flandre exclaimed, and performed her most destructive Spell Card- Taboo: Ripples of 495 years.

Danmaku flew towards the house (and the rest of the immediate area), destroying a good square mile of forest life and properties.

_Hakurei Shrine, the next day._

Reimu had woken up to instant noodles once again, but, this time, peace wasn't interrupted by the sound of broken walls, but the door knocking.

"Well, at least this person knows there's a door..." Reimu thought to herself before answering it. She didn't expect to be opening the door to a distraught Marisa.

"REIMU! My house! It's destroyed!"

"W-What?" Reimu could hardly believe it... she thought only the shrine would be the target of building-destroying attacks. "Do you know who did it?"

Marisa took off her hat, and sat down at Reimu's dinner table. "The Scarlet Sisters... they accused me of stealing... that laser... fire-sword thing that Flandre has..."

Reimu was thinking this punishment was well-deserved, but was concerned about the whereabouts of the dangerous weapon. "I hate to ask you this... but did you steal it?"

"Of course not! I only st... er, borrow 'til death books from Patchy's library! What use would I have for a weapon I can't use?"

"Well, I think I know... or to be more precise, know that I don't know the perpetrator. Newcomers are always responsible for disasters around here, and then they become all pally with us after."

Marisa nodded her head in agreement.

"Marisa! We're gonna clear your name, and get Laevateinn back!" Reimu said in a moment of enthusiasm.

"That's what I'm talking about! Reimu and Marisa, kicking ass!" Marisa added.

"Right, before we do that, we need to find the newcomers... and I know just where to get such information..."

_Youkai Mountain..._

A trek up a mountain is an arduous one, even for the supernatural girls of Gensokyo.

An exhausted Marisa asked an exhausted Reimu, "So... why are we here again?"

"We need to see Aya... she gave me a newspaper yesterday and one of the articles may help us..."

Aya's house was a cluttered place, filled with various journalism awards, newspaper cuttings, and an array of... Tengu-ish items. Aya was sniffing the first copy of this day's edition of the Bunbunmaru Newspaper.

"Ah, the first copy is always the best!" Aya declared, patting her press on its... valve. A knocking sound ruined this semi-tender moment, and Aya shouted back, "Come on in!"

Reimu entered, and instantly splurged, "You know that mansion? I need to know where it is."

"Oh, hello to you too. No time for small talk?"

"No. I'm wondering about a..." 

"Well, wonder no more! For I am a journalist!" Aya shouted, cutting Reimu off, "Thanks for yesterday, by the way. So what is it you're curious about?"

"The Western-Style mansion... yeah, where is it?"

Aya couldn't help but grin with pride... Reimu had actually read her paper! She smugly replied, "Oh, the article on Page 6 of yesterday's issue? Well... you promise not to tell anyone? I don't want rivals stealing my info!"

"Sure, whatever, just spit it out already."

"It's invisible!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope. In fact the only reason I found it is because... OF MY WONDERFUL CAMERA!" Aya shouted her last four words so loudly that Marisa, who was flipping a two-yen coin with her thumb outside, heard it.

"Okay, stop spazzing out over your camera, and tell me more..." 

"Well, I was taking a picture of your shrine, and I accidentally took a shot up into the sky... I fell over, you see. And when the picture showed up... there, in what I thought was an empty sky, was a floating mansion... with... fire-belching things on the side! I was so surprised that I had to make an article!"

Reimu didn't want to question why Aya was talking pictures of the shrine, but instead replied, "Well... I guess I should be thanking you... see you, Aya."

"Oh, no problem. In fact, I'm still in debt to you! Y'know, you'll never admit it, but you're a brilliant young woman! Especially for a human, you show such kindness... trust me when I say this, Reimu. Long after you've died, we Tengu will still remember you..." Aya's face was wearing a sincere expression now, but she soon snapped back into an informal mood. "Sorry to go off on a tangent like that, but it's something that needed to be said. Now, I bet you need to be going somewhere, right?"

Reimu nodded respectfully, slightly touched, and left Aya's cluttered, ink-smelling house.

_Back at the Hakurei Shrine, now night-time_

Reimu and Marisa were floating above Hakurei Shrine, trying to find this... invisible floating mansion.

Marisa was still trying to grasp the concept. "So, by 'above the shrine' you mean... floating in the sky?"

"Yes, I do. Come on, Aya doesn't lie about these things. I'll try a little further east..."

A good couple hours later, Reimu shouted Marisa over. Of course Marisa had fallen asleep on her broom by this point, and was startled by the sudden noise.

"Look, Marisa! I'm touching a wall! And over here is the doorbell!" Reimu gestured towards nothing.

"It looks like you're miming." Marisa moaned.

"Right! I'll ring it to prove that this is it."

With that, Reimu pressed the nothing, and a sound dissimilar to nothing emerged. A soft-sounding voice answered, "Coming, coming! One moment!"

Five minutes later, the door opened. Standing in the doorway was a young-looking, short woman. She had slightly spiky, salmon hair that just about reached her shoulders and was wearing an outfit so loose that anyone would mistake her for a klutz. She was smiling in a way which was disarming, but not because it was beautiful... but because it was slightly creepy.

"Oh? Visitors? At this hour?"

Author's note: Ooh! My first OC has been introduced! You'll see more of her later! Well, it'll be up to you to speculate whether or not this is Dawitsu, but I know one reader (known as Imanie on the Touhou wiki) knows for sure whether she is or not.

Hope you enjoyed! The next chapter may be a while, but yeah... floating mansions. Not stolen from Mario 64 or anything.


	3. 03: Hadekawa san

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 3: Hadekawa-san**

_Where we left off..._

Reimu and Marisa... floated through the door and into the invisible mansion, which, from the inside, was perfectly visible. Pictures of all sorts of strange-looking things were on the walls... a desolate landscape with melting clocks, an insane-looking kangaroo in a straight-jacket, and several more.

The young woman gestured towards a sofa in the foyer, and Reimu and Marisa sat. A feeling of unease permeated the atmosphere.

The girl finally spoke up, saying, "Do any of you want a drink?"

"Um, I'll have some green tea..." Marisa answered.

"What flavour?"

"Lemon, thanks..." Marisa replied, and promptly wondered why she thanked someone who she didn't know. The salmon-haired girl left, presumably to prepare the aforementioned tea.

Reimu and Marisa sat quietly, observing the goofy, strange, and, in places, downright disturbing artwork hanging on each and every wall. Eventually, Reimu said, "This place is giving me the creeps. So, do you think she's the criminal?"

"No. She doesn't give off a thief vibe." Marisa clarified what Reimu already thought.

"Hmmm. Takes one to know one, I guess. Bringing you here wasn't in vain after all..."

"Shut up! She seems like a servant-type, anyway."

"Alright, here she comes, so stay quiet." Reimu concluded as the klutzy-looking girl came back with two cups held in her sleeves.

"How does she maintain a grip on the cups like that?" Marisa whispered.

"Sssh. I'll ask her a couple of questions."

The girl spoke up while extending her arm towards Marisa's hand. "Green tea with lemon. I hope you didn't want anything yourself..." while gesturing towards Reimu. "As this cup of tea is for me. Black tea, no milk, no sugar. I love a bitter brew when the weather's cold, don't you?"

"Um, no... not really." Reimu replied, shifting a little from the awkwardness.

"So, what brings you to the Dawitsu Mansion?"

"So I take it you're Miss Dawitsu?" Reimu instinctively asked.

"No, no... I am hi... um, _her _Shikigami, Yutaka Hadekawa. May I ask of your names?"

"Reimu Hakurei."

"Marisa Kirisame."

Yutaka looked at the two as if trying to figure something out, suddenly looked like she was going to open her permanently closed eyes, and then continued.

"If you wish to see my boss... then please, take a guided tour, with me... your guide."

Reimu and Marisa were noticeably sceptical, realising their short journey was about to be made a lot longer. Yutaka proceeded to open a door, leading to a room filled with glass and water.

"Follow me."

The pair hesitantly followed. Yutaka began to 'point' with where her fingers should have been at various glass boxes. "This is the aquarium. It has several types of fish as well as Zora Eggs."

Reimu was confused as to what a Zora was, as was Marisa, but Marisa, unlike Reimu, wanted her name clearing quickly.

"Miss Hadekawa, can we please cut to the chase. Did your master steal Laevateinn or not?"

Yutaka's lips quivered slightly, but she quickly recovered and answered Marisa... by not answering her.

"My _boss_ has not allowed me to answer any questions relating to hi... her. Now, will you kindly allow me to continue the tour?"

The Shikigami showed off all kinds of fish, ranging from Tropical to Antarctic, from Freshwater to Oceanic. She showed the pair a biosphere, an interesting contraption that was a completely sustainable micro-habitat in one sphere of water. However, Reimu and Marisa's minds were occupied on one thing... punishment of the one responsible for the theft of Laevateinn, and thus, by proxy, responsible for the destruction of Marisa's house.

"Look, not that this isn't enthralling, but we really need to see your master." Reimu piped up.

Yutaka tilted her head, grinned an even bigger smile than usual, and said, "Well, the only way to get to my _boss _is by going through the tour. So either you take the tour, or end it early and not see Dawitsu-sama. The choice is yours."

The girl didn't seem all that forceful, but the way she was smiling indicated it was best just to agree to her terms.

"Right, let's do this tour, then." Reimu relinquished.

"What? But it'll take forever..." Marisa was confused as to the decision made.

"I'll accept Miss Hakurei's choice as the final one." Yutaka said, almost as if she was a gynoid, not a person. "I'll take you to the first Lift. It'll take you to floor one, and continue the tour."

After getting to the Lift, which was, oddly enough, labelled 'Lift', the three spent an awkward couple minutes together in an enclosed, vertically moving, space.

A poster in the Lift read 'This is Lift #1. 1 of many.'. Reimu was worried about this statement, while Marisa was worrying about how much that Shikigami smiled and closed her eyes. What would her master be like if she's this delightfully calm?

Author's note: Yutaka! Sorry, couldn't resist writing my third chapter today! I don't know, I just... felt a calling. Here we are, the amiable Yutaka Hadekawa, getting a proper introduction this chapter. What else lies in this floating mansion?

Well, this time it _will _be a long time 'til the next chapter, but I'll try my best to carry it on to the fullest!


	4. 04: The Grand Tour

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 4: The Grand Tour**

_Where we left off... again_

The lift finally came to a stop after two minutes that seemed like millennia, and the strange, grey, somehow self-moving doors opened.

Yutaka left the lift, held her arms in the air, revealing just how long her sleeves really were compared to her arms, and declared enthusiastically, "Behold! The Video-game Villain Gallery!"

Reimu didn't even know what a video game was, but picked up the feeling that this was going to be really stupid.

Yutaka took the witch and miko through a hall covered in picture after picture. There were framed paintings of strange beings, and wallpaper behind them with even stranger beings printed on it.

"Dawitsu-san simply _loves _video games. He- uh, she loves villains that pass off a kind of vibe that implies they're misunderstood." she paused to 'point' at a painting which depicted a rather portly, child-like man in overalls that was lying down in some kind of spider-like contraption. "This is one of her favourites... Porky Minch!"

"Look, I'm interested, I really am, but can we see your _boss_ now?" Reimu asked in a half-frustrated tone.

Yutaka froze in place, turned around to face Reimu, folded her arms, and cocked her head as if she was curious about something. "Oh, am I going too slow? Well, I'll take you straight to..."

Marisa's excitement overcame her. She couldn't believe that worked! She pumped her fist into the air and shouted, "Yes! We can punish this moron!"

Yutaka stifled a laugh, and continued where she left off. "...straight to floor two. Then we'll be a little closer..."

After entering another Lift aptly labelled 'Lift', the three spent another painful two minutes ascending to Floor 2. This one's poster read 'This is Lift #2. There's more, don't worry.'. However, Reimu and Marisa were worried _because _there were more lifts...

The lift stopped, the doors opened, and Yutaka turned to face the two heroines. "Observe the screen behind me." she calmly said while gesturing at a massive screen with some sort of sphere with an eye looking out of it. "This is the main feature of Floor two. The voice of Stephen Merchant will guide you here."

The screen began to play a British-sounding man's voice, and this voice said, "Hello, I'm Wheatley, as voiced by Stephen Merchant. I'm glad you're here, I'm running low on test subjects."

Marisa was getting sick of the slightly sickly voice of Hadekawa-san, but this man's voice took the cake for annoying. It sounded like he could make even the least awkward dialogue in the world, and somehow turn it into the world's _most _awkward dialogue.

Yutaka looked like she was purring. "So, do you wish to go ahead? I'll be right behind you..."

There were some quite obvious signs to where the next Lift was, and as far as Reimu and Marisa were concerned, that was their goal. Reimu decided to lead the way, and jumped onto the nearest catwalk. Which proceeded to be mashed by a metal spike-plate.

Reimu just about dodged the lethal device, and in shock, shouted, "WHAT THE HELL?"

Yutaka's now unbearable grin grew wider. "Come now... when have you _not _encountered danger on your travels?"

Marisa smiled wryly and admitted, "The sad thing is, I'd be lying if I disagreed with her..."

"But, I assure you, no harm will come to you. If you happen to be in unavoidable danger, then I shall assist you."

"Easy for you to say." spluttered the hyperventilating Reimu.

"Ooh, look at Miss I-talk-too-much! Get on with the tests! All three of you!" the voice of Stephen Merchant interjected.

Yutaka knew this was aimed at her, as she'd had most of the lines up until now. "Don't give me lip, Merchant, or I might just encourage some destructive behaviour in these... test subjects I've brought."

"Ugh... fine, whatever. Let the games... begin."

So Yutaka gestured in the way the pair were meant to go to avoid the incredible amount of pitfalls that this overly dangerous homage to a video game had, and somehow get closer to the Lift they so desperately wanted to get to.

The pair dodged, ducked, dipped, dived, and dodged all the way to the end of the 'test' that made up all of the second floor.

"Hmph! Guess it just shows my... overflowing intelligence when I made this test... completely safe for... magical girls that can float. Trust me, if it weren't for all the bottomless pits, then I'd be making tests for everyone. See I do more than just talk and be the guide, I'm the brains AND the brawn of this whole house! I'm a bloody genius! Ha ha! Far better than some dumb... waitress, or whatever the hell you're supposed to be." the voice of Stephen Merchant bragged before the trio entered Lift #3.

"What?" Yutaka asked, while turning herself around, waiting for her clothes to catch up, and glaring at the giant screen which filled the floor.

"You... are a waitress, right? Or do you do something other than make tea?" the annoying 'comedian' retorted.

Yutaka leaned towards Marisa, and whispered into her ear, "I know you've been bored... well, as long as you don't tell my boss that I let you, feel free to relieve your boredom on that screen over there..."

Marisa, grinned, understanding exactly what to do.

"Oh, so you have a thing for that witch-girl too? Aw, how sweet, a lesbian with a witch fetish! Hey, witch, did you like those sweet nothings? Do you like stupid bints with pink hair? I bet you do! Ha! Useless pieces of..."

But the speech was promptly ended by a massive laser coming straight from Marisa's mini-hakkero. The screen was broken in every sense of the word as it had just absorbed approximately one-point-twenty-one gigawatts worth of light energy.

"Good job." Yutaka and Reimu said simultaneously, before flinching slightly at the fact they pulled such a thing off.

"Yeah, I thought he'd never shut up." Marisa laughed as she finished the sentence, and continued, "Hell, you're not so bad, Shikigami girl! Let's do this tour!"

Yutaka's expression, which was a cheery one, remained unchanged, and said, "As you wish." and called the Lift down. After entering, Reimu asked Yutaka the question on everyone's minds (even you), "So, how many floors are there?"

"There is... including this next one... only three more to go!" Once again, the doors opened, and some violin-based music started playing. They were in a room filled with sand and crates of Bananas.

"Who's playing that music?" Marisa asked, knowing that there was no live band playing it.

"Why, it's the device known as the 'speaker'. Haven't you heard of it? It can play sound of any kind you tell it to." Yutaka explained, while gesturing towards a round, yellow, plastic-looking thing with a mesh-like grid on the front of it.

A saxophone started playing with the violins, making a very effeminate-sounding melody. The floor, upon further exploration, was pretending to be a desert. There was even more boxes of Bananas in the next room, and a small house that looked like a giant pink seashell.

"This is Locria's Level. It's a floor solely dedicated to Mother 3. This pink house is a life-size replica of Locria's house. It took Dawitsu weeks to construct... and years to furnish. A true Labour of Love, no?"

Marisa didn't know or care who Locria was, but after the concession she was granted at Floor Two, Marisa went along with the overly long speech.

"This very small door leads to the lift to the Willy Wonka Section. But this is an unnecessary detour... if you wish to see my boss, that is."

"So you _are _aware of what we want, eh?" Reimu couldn't help but blurt out.

"Yeah, why is your boss stalling so long, anyway?" Marisa added.

"You truly don't know who you're dealing with, do you? My boss simply wants to share hi... _her _personality with you. She is not stalling in any way. The next lift is made of glass, so be careful not to... break it, or anything."

Reimu, fuming at the fact that this mere Shikigami seemed to have an answer for everything, followed Yutaka and Marisa to a Lift labelled 'Great Glass Elevator'. This lift didn't take quite as long in the heroines' minds, as there was a lot of activity going on between floors. Metal arms, or so they seemed, were passing various supplies, boxes, and books between one another, and sorting them into tubes... which went God knows where.

When the Lift stopped, Yutaka introduced the floor, which seemed almost a carbon copy of Floor 1, except this time various young men and women with massive eyes and next to no nose were in framed paintings and all over the wallpaper.

"This floor contains galleries and video collections of some of the best loved animés of Dawitsu."

Reimu pointed to an empty case, hardly believing she was going to ask this girl a question related to the tour.

"What's the empty case for?"

"For when 'The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya' gets an English Dub..."

"Hmm... may as well have not asked..."

"I just wish that he'd... er... she'd hang countless pictures of those around her instead of these fictional characters..." Yutaka sighed, almost instantly realising her error afterwards.

"Huh?" Reimu asked. She was pretty sure she heard her say 'he'd'...

"Never mind... that just slipped out..." Yutaka thought Reimu was questioning her talk about the pictures. "Come on, time to go the next floor..." she continued with a slightly sullen-looking expression.

"Oh? Are you sure you don't want to tell us more?" Marisa jeered.

"Come on, Marisa, that's not funny..." Reimu scolded in an undertone.

"Still your tongue and kindly follow me... Ma'am." Yutaka grumbled as she headed towards Lift #5. Once she entered the lift, she snapped back to her default face.

"The last floor is a library, so you'll find it interesting, Miss Kirisame!"

The final lift's doors opened, and Marisa beamed as she saw shelf upon shelf of books.

"My boss believes that knowledge is power, therefore pursuit of knowledge is pursuit of power. Wouldn't you agree, Marisa?"

"Yeahyeahyeah!" Marisa excitedly babbled as she rushed for some new knowledge. She was about to pick up a book titled 'Mimicry for Dummies: The basics of technique imitation.'. Upon touching it, however, the book floated out of the bookcase, opened itself to reveal sharp teeth, and roared at Marisa, before placing itself back where it belonged. Marisa gingerly attempted to touch it again, but it emitted a low growl indicating that it was best to just give up the fight.

"Also, Dawitsu-sama doesn't like it when others try to steal her power, so don't touch the books..."

"Maybe they know you're no good..." Reimu taunted.

"What's the point in a library where you can't read?" a sad-faced Marisa replied.

"Later, if you prove to be trustworthy, I'll persuade Dawitsu to un-curse the books..." Yutaka promised. Reimu knew there was no chance in Marisa proving to be trustworthy, so giggled while Yutaka swaggered towards a door with a frosted-glass window. "Speaking of my boss, there's her office... go on!"

True enough, the office door had a poster saying 'Mah office: Knock before entry!' on it.

"Wait, you're gonna just let us go in?" Marisa asked.

"Why, what were you expecting?" the Shikigami said, while looking as innocent and cutesy as she could possibly muster.

"Well... it's just that assistant types tend to be mini-bosses or penultimate bosses."

"As much as I'd love to say I was capable of fighting you, the fact is I'm not so good at offensive magic. However, I can defend myself if necessary. Anyway, whatever it is you wish to discuss with my boss, you can do so through here." Yutaka rolled up her sleeves, revealing that she did, in fact, have hands, and tapped the door with her knuckles. "Boss? There's a couple of visitors for you."

"Come in!" a strangely deep voice shouted in response. Yutaka opened the door, and Reimu, closely followed by Marisa, entered the office. "Thank you, Yutaka. Wow... Reimu and Marisa! I'm so chuffed to have finally met you!"

Reimu and Marisa stared at the criminal before them... they were in awe. _He_ had short black spiky hair, and a loose-fitting wizard's cloak just like _his_ assistant. _He_ also wore a tokin, similar to Aya's. And, as the pronouns suggested, _he _was one-hundred percent male.

"You're... you're a..." Reimu stuttered.

"Oh, come on! Wasn't it obvious? The stupid games? The girl filled gallery? It's not like there's no guys in Gensokyo!" Marisa killed the shock-horror atmosphere.

"Well, I've never seen a guy before..."

"Oh yeah, you've never been to Rinnosuke's shop before, have you? You should check him out, he sells these things called kettles, they help out when making those instant noodles from the outside world..."

"SILENCE!" the now-revealed Dawitsu shouted, "Yes, I'm a guy. You know, the uglier, flat-chested, short-haired version of a woman."

"But... wait, why did you get your Shikigami to lie to us about your gender?"

Dawitsu sighed. "She has a name, you know. _Yutaka _lied to keep it a surprise. You assumed I was female anyway..."

"Thank you, boss..." Yutaka said in an almost admiring way.

"Plus, I bet there were some people observing this through a screen who knew I was a guy all along!"

Reimu and Marisa cocked their heads in confusion.

"Alas, you don't know of the nature of our... no, Gensokyo's existence..."

"Look, if you're so smart, you'll know why we're here." Marisa replied.

"Oh, I do. Yes, I stole it, and also, it's right up there..." Dawitsu instantly responded, and pointed up to his office ceiling, which had lamps, patterns of pentagrams and a floating wand-like sword... Laevateinn.

"Ain't she a beauty? The best part is that I've been practising." the young man held his hand up to catch the slowly descending weapon. "Yutaka said it best... when has it been that your travels weren't fraught with danger? I'll act as a Stage one, two, three, four, five, and six boss!"

Author's note: And that's all she wrote (falls asleep on keyboard). Jeez, big ol' entry. So, anyone saw that... 'twist' coming?

I bet you did, I mean how many male OCs do Touhou fan fictions have? A lot, that's what. But the difference? This one's an antagonist! Oh em gee!

Okay, satire stopped, seriously, I'm exhausted. I've written for England today. Time for some Jaffa Cakes methinks!


	5. 05: Septette for the Eccentric Mimicker

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 5: Septette for the Eccentric Mimicker**

_Dawitsu's office..._

Dawitsu smiled confidently at the witch and miko. He pointed the Laevateinn at Reimu, and said, "Okay, that's sword in hand. Yutaka, show them your room-altering trick!"

"Aye aye, sir! Room shift alpha, I presume?" Yutaka replied, walking so that she'd be behind her boss.

"Yeah, just go in alphabetical order." Dawitsu explained.

Marisa whispered to Reimu, "I don't suppose you have some sort of plan?"

"Well, if you count blowing them up a plan..."

Yutaka lifted her arms in the air, and her cloak began to slowly ripple. The stereotypical office scenery dissolved in a similar way to bauxite when added to water, and quickly morphed into an arena consisting of a large bath of purple... poison, with a single, wrangled old tree growing in the middle.

"Whoo! Diababa's arena!" the video game enthusiast shouted. In fact, he was so amazed at the job his Shikigami had done that he forgot the job at hand, and started babbling a host of compliments towards Yutaka.

Marisa and Reimu decided to plan a strategy, instead of merely shooting first. "Marisa, you spark the assistant!"

"Sure, you focus on him."

Yutaka, aware of the conversation, helplessly squeaked, "Um... boss..."

Marisa pulled out her mini-hakkero from under her hat, and yelled "Say goodnight!" while a love-coloured master spark blasted itself at the salmon-haired sidekick.

"What the hell..." Dawitsu muttered, before rushing in front of Yutaka, and using the Laevateinn to project a shield, "Do you think you're doing?"

Yutaka looked puzzled as her master took several terajoules of energy. "B-boss?"

"Yutaka is non-combatant! What coward attacks a pacifist?" the angered Youkai spat.

Yutaka defused the situation, simply smiling and saying, "At least I'll know to keep a shield up from now on..."

"Good idea, Yutaka! But only if you have the power to... I wouldn't want you to exhaust yourself for this battle's sake..."

"Done, sir!"

Dawitsu turned towards the heroines, turned off his shield while Yutaka's came about, and said, "Oh, silly me, I didn't tell you what _my _power was, did I? Well, allow me to show you..."

Reimu and Marisa looked at the man cynically. "You ready to dodge?" Reimu asked, for no good reason.

"Yeah, sure, but what are we dodging?" Marisa asked.

"Why, you of all should know that, Marisa!" the arrogant villain answered, lifted his tokin to bring out what seemed to be a holographic mini-hakkero, and declared, "This is what I call... Copycat Sign: Master Spark!" and sent an identical, massive laser towards the pair.

Reimu dodged the massive laser, dragging the shocked witch with her. "It... it took me a year to get that right... how did he just do it on the fly like that?"

"I don't know... I think his unique power is not being unique..." Reimu said while rolling her eyes.

"Oh, and that's just the beginning! I have no further use for this scene, that was just to scare you..."

"Well, you did a bad job." jeered Reimu.

"Shut up! Yutaka, next scene!"

Yutaka nodded affirmatively, and the scenery dissolved into a mechanical-looking room. There were four cuboidal platforms, and a neon-red screen.

"Behold! GUN fortress!" Dawitsu shouted, once again enjoying his shikigami's work. "Alright, this is the beginning of the _real _battle! No holding back! It's go time!"

He began an assault known as Copycat Sign: Black Doom. This involved stars that spiralled outwards from the source, and large, fast-moving boomerang-shaped danmaku. He also made images of himself, similar to Flandre Scarlet's 'Four of a Kind' spell-card. They shot rock-like danmaku, and lasers that pinned down the opposition. Reimu was frantically dodging this relentless onslaught, while Marisa took cover behind a platform. She was falling asleep, for whatever reason.

"Yo, Marisa, want to swap at any time?" an irritated Reimu asked, throwing a Yin-yang orb towards Dawitsu.

"Whatever you say, Reimu! Yeah... go... stuff..." the complacent-at-totally-wrong-time Marisa responded, half-awake.

Reimu sighed, made what looked like a giant spinning square of energy with her shrine maiden stick, and fired.

"Well, you've put up a good stalemate so far, but you haven't even hit me ye..." Dawitsu attempted to say, before being smacked in the face with the aforementioned square of energy. He went flying backwards, and continued, "Oh, damn it. Me and my big mouth..."

"Yeah, take that, you sword thief!" Reimu continued the assault, throwing Yin-yang orbs at the flinching, stationary target. Dawitsu's phantasms disappeared, and the now panicking villain frantically searched for the shield mechanism on the Laevateinn.

"Damn it... damn it... where's the shield thingy? Argh! I only used it a minute ago... ow!" Dawitsu exclaimed as another projectile hit his ribcage. Eventually he found whatever it was he was looking for, and a shield appeared around him. "Yutaka, do your thing!"

Yutaka giggled slightly, before saying, "As you wish..."

The scene changed once again... to no scene. Well, apart from blackness with white dots. In other words, deep space. Dawitsu declared "SPACE!" while a floating mechanical sphere behind him, similar to the one voiced by Stephen Merchant earlier, responded with, "Space? Space? SPAAAAAAACE!"

Dawitsu was puzzled to the little addition of a favourite little ball, and asked Yutaka, "You put the Space Core in just for me, didn't you?"

"Well, I sort of like the little guy as well..."

"You're so awesome."

Reimu folded her arms as Marisa woke up due to lack of support, and scolded her severely. "Marisa! Get up! Start acting like you care about your reputation!"

"Bu... what... uh..." Marisa feigned innocence.

"DAMN IT! WE'RE IN SPACE! NOW GET UP AND HELP ME!"

"I'm in space." the Space Core matter-of-factly added.

"Well, I thought seen as I was in charge of attacking Yutaka I'd rest, 'cos she's a pacifist and all..."

"SHUT UP! THAT'S UTTER FABRICATION! HELP OUT OR I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!"

"Ooh, Reimu, very _tsundere_! You remind me of Kagami from Lucky Star..." Dawitsu interrupted, seemingly thinking mental attacks were in fashion.

"An excellent choice of reference, sir!" Yutaka complimented.

"One: I don't know what you're talking about, and Two: Shut up and fight us." Reimu muttered in response.

"So be it! Prepare to be singed!" Dawitsu said, before pirouetting in a way that can only be described as effeminate. He thrust his arm into the air and began Copycat Sign: N-Gin 1-4. This attack consisted mainly energy balls, the occasional straight-down laser, and missile barrages, which both left ample room to dodge. After a while, he started to sweep the laser, which prompted Marisa to bomb, sending yet another Master Spark into the fray. This was not shielded against, and Dawitsu felt the full force...

His clothes were tattered. "My awesome outfit... ruined! Copycat Sign... Instant Dry Cleaners...". Upon him saying these words, his wizard's cloak looked... considerably better. He quickly mustered up some energy, and performed Copycat Sign: N Gin 5. This was mainly a giant green laser, with energy sparking off of it. He realised it was effectively a Master Spark, and cursed himself as the duo easily sidestepped the laser.

Marisa focused her illusion lasers, and Reimu sent five homing amulets the entirely unoriginal villain's way. The Youkai knew this attack was futile, so he cast his shield, and ordered the next scene to be created. "Hadekawa-san! That place where the Tengu live!"

"Sure thing! You want fries with that?" Yutaka joked.

"Hmm... a strange reference... gee, it''s been a while since I've played that..."

"I pulled it out the bag in case you were feeling down..."

"I couldn't have found a better assistant if I tried... seriously, you're a really awesome assistant..." Dawitsu warmly said, smiling while staring into Yutaka's closed eyes.

"Well, I don't know about that..." Yutaka stuttered, sweat-dropping a little.

"Hey, Professor dumbass and his kindly assistant... GET ON WITH IT!" Reimu forcefully shouted from her vantage point.

The scene changed into the sky of Youkai mountain. "Recognize this place? Well, you should!"

"So, she can fake _real _locations too?" Marisa mocked.

"Well, I wouldn't call it fake... but it is an emulation." Dawitsu joyfully replied. He proceeded to balance his as-of-yet unused Laevateinn on his index finger, and said, "You'll also be glad to hear that I took the liberty of reading that Tengu reporter's notebook. She sure writes a lot down, doesn't she? I've been going easy on you 'til now... prepare to see the greatest Danmaku displays your country has to offer..."

He then flawlessly imitated Aya's spell-card, illusionary dominance. He dashed too and fro, firing random sprays of bullets until he finally stopped to catch his breath, and gasped, "I'm... not even aiming... no... wonder that Tengu rushes everywhere..."

Marisa prepared to send a barrage of stars towards him, but he recovered and started dashing before any bullets could hit. He was enjoying his time as a wind-speed Tengu, as evidenced by the maniacal laughing that filled the air.

"This guy's a moron. I'm going to trap him, and zing him into the stone age..." Reimu whispered to Marisa.

"Go for it."

The next time the imitation reporter stopped, Reimu performed 'Dream Sign: Evil Sealing Circle'. Dawitsu started flapping his arms as he was trapped between a layer of Danmaku, followed by a wall of fire that went straight through him...

Dawitsu was fine... or so it seemed. But he still ranted in self-pity, "Oh, my clothes... my beautiful clothes..."

Yutaka burst the bubble, "Sir, your outfit is undamaged... but your hair..."

"What about my hair?" Dawitsu cluelessly asked, before realising the warm feeling his scalp felt was, in fact, his hair on fire. "Agh! My hair! It's ablaze!" he screamed while fanning his head in a frenzied effort to put his miniature forest fire out.

"Okay, blazing hair versus tattered clothes... I think my spell card's better..." Reimu said while grinning at Marisa.

"It's apples and oranges." Marisa indignantly retorted.

Dawitsu gave up trying to fan himself, and remembered his assistant wasn't a Magician Youkai for nothing. "Yutaka, please cast an ice spell on me..."

Yutaka had fun when people consented to having offensive magic tested on them. "Er... sure, Master! Firing in three... two..."

Dawitsu noticed his error. "Er, maybe it's best that you don't..."

"I can't hear you..." Yutaka sang as she fired the cryo-ball at her own Master. He promptly turned into an ice-cube, and proceeded to fall towards the ground. Yutaka giggled, and quickly changed scene...

One by one, scene and spell-card kept changing, but no matter what tactics Dawitsu pulled out the bag, they were all old news or ineffective against the highly skilled pair of heroines. Dawitsu was about to summon shadow-monsters while in a strange temple, and droned, "Drown... in... darkness... or something... bleh..."

"Um, Boss, why not stop? You look tired." Yutaka legitimately pointed out.

"Your assistant's right, just accept defeat!" Reimu insisted.

"Yeah, it's kinda depressing to see you fail again and again..." Marisa half-joked.

"Um... ah... Yutaka! Switch to the Scarlet Devil Mansion's basement!"

"I think I know what you're doing..." Yutaka mused, while switching the terrain accordingly.

"You see, I just thought. You haven't seen me use Laevateinn yet!" Dawitsu excitedly said.

"Doesn't matter... you're still gonna lose!" Reimu finally said. Dawitsu donned a mob cap, an angry face, and a pair of fake bat-wings.

"I beat the _real _owner of that sword, so a cheap copy won't beat me!" Marisa added, before Reimu doubtingly said, "Wasn't I the one who beat her?"

Dawitsu yelled, "SILENCE!" and slashed with the fire-sword, revealing the true power of it in astonishing fashion. The sword cut straight through the lower half of Marisa's dress, revealing a pair of pale, sun-starved legs.

Marisa was humiliated, Reimu was stifling a laugh, and Dawitsu _was _laughing. "Nice legs, Marisa! Now kindly shut up and BEHOLD THE POWER! You're about to witness a portmanteau at work!"

Dawitsu proceeded to attempt an experimental spell-card of his, Combination Sign: Scarlet Scatter-gun. He shot barrages of red magic, activated Laevateinn, span it two radians, turned into a bunch of bats, fired more relentless bullets, and set a Star-of-David shaped set of lasers on the battlefield.

Marisa and Reimu, somehow dodging this desperate, all-out attack, decided enough was enough. "Right, let's say you duplex him, while I spark him."

"Again? Oh well, your bomb, I guess..."

The horde of bats that Dawitsu had turned into reformed, and the Youkai sullenly moaned, "I heard what you said as one of the bats... I'm doomed, aren't I?"

"I'm afraid so, thief!" Marisa jeered.

"Goodbye... be sure to return that sword, now?" Reimu calmly concluded.

"And so... the end is near... and so I face... the final curtain..." Dawitsu sang before being trapped, juggled, and blasted into near oblivion.

_The next day, Dawitsu mansion foyer._

Reimu grinned while torturing Dawitsu with her demands. Dawitsu kept his reddened face in his tea.

"So, you tired of beatings, eh?" Reimu asked, and continued, "You know, I am puzzled why you'd wish to take that sword in the first place..."

"Ugh... never mind, it was a bit of fun to introduce myself to this place... oh, by the way, I had more spell-cards to show you... I was way too exhausted though... you won fair and square."

"What? But you spammed like, a million of them things at us..."

"Oh yeah, I've watched a ton of things. I only imitate things I'm a fan of..."

"So you're a fan of us girls, then? There was a lot of cards I saw before..." 

"I guess you could say that. I have been observing you girls for... a long time from the outside world. Then, suddenly, I got spirited away by someone... a bar tending woman with blonde hair and a parasol. I'm pretty sure it's that legendary Border Youkai that keeps this world stable. What the hell she wants with me, I don't know...

"Hmph, that woman does so many things on a whim, I wouldn't expect any reason. I mean, it's not exactly a stroke of luck that you came along anyway..." Reimu glared at Dawitsu.

Yutaka came in, and asked Reimu, "Do you want a refill of tea? I must say, your taste in tea is most odd. Why would you have sugar added to strawberry tea?"

"Because... I like sweet things, alright? Anyway, I don't have time for you, the Youkai are probably going to go round to my shrine and celebrate the resolution of another incident, meaning _I _have to clean up."

"Well, actually, this is where I can come in handy. Yutaka, make the mansion visible again! I can send all the party-goers to my mansion if you like, while you go back to your shrine and relax... or whatever the hell you do when you're not saving the day... heh, no hard feelings, eh?" Dawitsu extended an arm, and opened his hand.

Reimu shook it, and said, "That has to be the only good idea you've had. Well, good luck dealing with the riff-raff!"

"Yeah, the hardest part will be finding the Neon for the signs... Yutaka, start extracting Neon wherever you can! I'll get to work on the filaments..."

"Yes, sir!" Yutaka instantly replied.

"What signs? Oh, whatever, have fun, I guess..."

Author's note: Damn, this took me HOURS to write. Man, I feel drained. Physically drained.

Please review, guys! It's lonely without a reviewer's touch!


	6. 06: Free Slaps for all!

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 6: Free slaps for all**

_Dawitsu Mansion_

A blue, florescent sign at Hakurei Shrine was pointing towards the now-visible Dawitsu Mansion. It read 'HERE' with a less flashy, wooden sign next to it reading 'Give the newcomer a slap!'.

Dawitsu observed the handiwork from his office window. His shikigami was standing next to him, waiting for evaluation.

"Nice job, Yutaka!" Dawitsu finally said.

Yutaka grinned despite expecting a positive verdict anyway. "Thanks. Neon extraction is really difficult here..."

"Ah, I wonder who our first guest will be?"

Yutaka sweat-dropped. "Uh... about that... well... I sort of let her in without your permission."

"But why wouldn't you tell me? It's not like I'd have a problem with..." Dawitsu mused before the penny dropped, "Oh God, it's her."

"Well, if it isn't the mysterious owner himself!" Aya chimed, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

Dawitsu turned round, reply ready. "Argh! Fine! Here's your interview! Yes, no, yes, yes, no, yes, perhaps! Now GO!"

"So..." Aya validated while scribbling frantically in her notebook, "Yes, you're gay, no, you're not proud of it, yes, you're a thief, yes, you're a virgin, no, you don't drink sake, yes, you're catholic, and you are perhaps in love with your Shikigami!"

That last implication caused both Master and Shikigami to go bright red. Dawitsu tried to wriggle out of the situation verbally, but only made unintelligible 'ums' and 'ahs'.

"Now, say cheese, you trouble-making lovebirds!" Aya said while lifting up her camera.

Dawitsu pulled a Wile E Coyote style sign that read 'You suck', while Yutaka hid behind her boss, poking her head out from his side, waving her arms. Aya clicked her camera's button, and shouted, "Thanks for the material!" while crashing through Dawitsu's office wall, causing a framed picture of an anthropomorphic wolf to fall to the floor.

"I wonder how Miss Shrine Maiden's doing?" Dawitsu commented, while rolling his eyes. While he spoke, the door bell rang.

"Should I fix the wall or get the door?" Yutaka asked.

"I'll get the door... you fix up." Dawitsu replied, and took a 'master lift' labelled just so to the foyer. He stopped to hear the banter of guests outside. He took a glance out of the door-side window and saw that a massive crowd of floating females had gathered. Gulping, he prepared for a huge influx of hostile women.

After taking the chance and opening the door, he was promptly ran over by the first three guests (Youmu Konpaku, Cirno, and Alice Margatroid) flying through the door. More and more guests poured in through the relatively small door, and one particularly loud guest was Remilia Scarlet.

"Where the _hell _is that thief? My free slap's gonna be a punch!" she yelled, looking left and right frenziedly.

"Yoo-hoo! Miss Scarlet! Where's the sister I actually wronged?" Dawitsu called from the undignified vantage point of the floor.

Remilia's pale face somehow reddened and she looked as if she was boiling at the mention of Flandre. "Shut up! She's in the basement, alright? Happy now?"

Dawitsu grinned, and pointed at Remilia, still on the floor, "Yet there you are, playing protective sister." He stood up, folded his arms, and slowly closed in on Remilia. "You lock her up, with no playmates, and you won't even let her have her own revenge against me? What makes you so aloof, eh? You're the worst sister one could ever..."

But before he could finish his verbal attack, Remilia slammed her fist right at Dawitsu's jaw. She screamed, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! _SHUT UP!_"

Yutaka was just exiting the aquarium when she heard these screams. The entire party paused to stare at Remilia and the once-again floored Dawitsu.

"Oh, God! Boss, are you okay?" Yutaka concernedly said as she rushed towards her master.

She kneeled next to her master while Remilia spat "And don't you dare forget that! Thief! Liar! Slanderer! Scumbag! No-one crosses the scarlet devil!"

She promptly walked towards the door, flapping her wings in the same way an angry cat flicks their tail. Patchouli Knowledge, who had joined her Mistress on the visit, asked, "Miss Remilia, is it okay if I stay?"

Remilia looked like she was going to disembowel Patchouli for a second, then resignedly said, "Knock yourself out.", and opened the door, exited, and slammed it so hard that three framed pictures fell from the foyer walls.

"Sorry I took too long fixing the wall..." Yutaka worriedly said to a half-conscious Dawitsu.

"It's okay... I deserved that one anyway..." Dawitsu admitted, while climbing up again.

The party continued as if nothing had happened, and a set of guests were sitting at a dining-room table, waiting to see Dawitsu. Alice Margatroid was working on a doll with a strange resemblance to Marisa, while Ran Yakumo and Chen were talking to one another.

"So, why are we here again?" a bored Chen asked.

Ran sighed, "To deliver a message from Yukari-sama."

"I'm bored. Can I go kill some mice now?"

"Just wait!" Ran scolded while Cirno stared at a picture pondering what an Octobot was, and Alice put away her Marisa effigy, fearing others may have seen it.

Dawitsu had recovered from his blow to the face, and walked towards the table.

"Greetings, one and all, to the Dawitsu mansion. You lot are gathered because you wish to speak with me, but feel free to check out the place at any time. Yutaka can run a tour should you wish for one. But, if you wish to talk to me... and claim your 'Free Slap', then please wait at this table until further notice."

The first guest called was Youmu Konpaku. She walked in, rather confidently, and said, "Youmu Konpaku, mister..."

"...Mateyuu Dawitsu. So, you here to slap me?"

"Believe or not, I'm not here to slap you. My mistress is a ghost in the..."

"...yes, I know all this."

"But how do you know that she's a..."

"Trust me, I know. Anyway, what about your mistress?"

"She wanted me to tell you that you've passed her whimsy test. She thinks stealing a dangerous weapon on a whim is just the kind of impulsive behaviour she's looking for. She welcomes your assistance some time soon for... a project."

"What kind of project?" Dawitsu suspiciously asked.

Youmu nervously smiled, "She never told me. I'm sure if you visit her, then..." 

"So, I'm wanted in the netherworld by Miss Yuyuko for some reason... that you don't know. Why don't I trust this?"

"Heh, you may be correct not to trust the mistress. She is dead, after all."

"Y'know, I like you. Count me in on your... weird, masqueradey... thing. Any time, k?"

Youmu bowed, and said, "For a disaster causer, you're sort of courteous..." 

"Well, isn't your mistress a disaster causer? She's definitely courteous."

"Point well made. Well, see you..." Youmu concluded and walked away from Dawitsu.

"Yutaka, please tell the next guest they can speak to me!"

"Yes, sir!" the Shikigami replied, and called out, "Miss Ran Yakumo and Miss Chen, please!"

Ran got out her seat, and said, "It's our turn, Chen! Be a good girl in front of the newcomer..."

"Okay..." Chen droned, obviously not meaning it.

Ran Yakumo walked towards Dawitsu, and Dawitsu tilted his head slightly. "What brings _you_ to my party? Do you wish to claim your 'free slap'?"

"Uh... well... not quite..." Ran searched her pockets for a certain item, "Just a moment..."

After about a minute, Ran stopped and her face turned into thunder. "Chen, you haven't hidden the letter I had, have you?"

Chen's cat-grin grew wider and she shook her head, while quite clearly hiding something behind her back.

"Look, I know you did it, I just thought I could trust you to tell the truth..."

Chen feigned ignorance, "I don't know what you're talking about, Ran-sama, I haven't got a letter..."

"GIVE ME THE DAMN THING!" Ran finally yelled, causing Chen's two tails to go between her legs, and slowly hand the envelope to her mistress.

Dawitsu was looking on, trying not to laugh at Chen's playful antics and Ran's overly serious attitude to it all.

After an eternity of stupidity, Ran turned to Dawitsu and said, "Shikigami, huh? Can't train 'em, no matter how you try..."

"Naw, don't agree. My Shikigami's good as gold. And aren't you a shikigami anyway?"

"Well, yeah... that's why I'm here. Mistress Yukari wrote this for you before she started hibernating. I tried to get it to you earlier, but for some reason I couldn't find your house until recently..."

"Ah, you have my excellent, top-of-the-range shikigami to thank for that! Thanks for the letter." Dawitsu said before snatching the envelope off the kitsune. "I'll read it in my own time. Anything else?"

"Yeah... can I ask your Shikigami for tips on how to be a good one?"

"Um... well, as long as she's cool with it, why not?"

The pair left, and Alice Margatroid was next to be summoned. She simply slapped Dawitsu nine times (once for each doll in her possession as well as her own hand) and left, saying something about how her house got damaged by the fatal decimation of Marisa's house.

Once the 'slap request' queue diminished, Yutaka left her boss to summon the guests himself, and decided to clean up the library. When she entered, she found Patchouli Knowledge, engrossed in a familiar book... Mimicry for Dummies.

"Hello, guest! What's your name?" Yutaka asked with that creepy smile of hers.

Patchouli paused, "My name's Patchouli Knowledge. Which of you owns this book?"

"That would be my boss, Dawitsu-kun. I hope you're enjoying the book. I love studying magic myself..."

"Oh, really? Are you a magician, too?"

"Yeah... but I don't like to attack people. I use magic to alter terrain. I can form a mountain in my boss' office... he lets me test my skills there."

"Oh, I see. So your boss is a mimicker?"

"Yeah. He never told me what species he is, but he did say he's Youkai. He likes imitating things. He quotes films and games so often that I have to think on my feet to get the references entirely..."

"How can you quote a game? Hopscotch has no memorable phrases..."

"Oh... just referring to the outside world's definition of a game."

"You're from the outside world?"

"Yeah, me and him were thriving pretty well in an outside-world country called England when one day, we suddenly woke up in Gensokyo. My boss claims he saw a local bartender woman walking in the mansion foyer. I have no other lead on what happened. He says it was a Miss Yukari Yakumo."

"No way... she lives here... or should I say hibernates here. That's insane. So, what do you think of guys? I never see any around here."

"Well, my boss is fairly reasonable when you get to know him..."

Patchouli grinned, "...that's not what Miss Remilia thinks. You know, Flandre isn't even mad, she's just glad Reimu got her favourite toy back."

"...oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that." Yutaka said, as if she didn't know from the whole episode in the foyer that that was the case. "The other guys I saw whenever I shopped for my boss were either calm and normal or they tried it on with me... I have a way with men it seems..."

"So, did you ever have a boyfriend?" Patchouli daringly asked.

"Um... no. You see, I'm not really attracted to men, not in that way at least..." Yutaka's face reddened slightly, but she maintained her smile. "I prefer... people of my own gender. People used to call me a dyke out there, but I imagine that there's a lot of... you know, homosexuals here."

"Yeah, there's no chance of discrimination against you here... but that male master of yours... unless he's useful like Rinnosuke, he's gonna be eaten alive out here."

Dawitsu interrupted the conversation by entering the library. His face was red from several slaps to his cheek, and bruised where Remilia had hit him. He was shocked to see Patchouli reading his prized Mimicry for Dummies book.

"What... how did you open that book?" Dawitsu asked.

"Oh, the curse? Amateur Magicians can't remove that curse, but unfortunately, I'm no amateur. It was an admirable attempt, though. I'll have to do the same on my books..."

"Ah. Say, Yutaka, are you busy at all?" Dawitsu asked.

Yutaka was torn. She was enjoying confiding in Patchouli, but then Patchouli said, "Go on. It was nice speaking to you, but if you've got things to do, go. I wanna see how this master of yours would copy my elemental magic anyway..."

Yutaka's constant smile turned into a genuine one. "No, boss. Just speaking to this guest. She's the one you have trouble imitating..."

"Ah, I know that." Dawitsu somewhat arrogantly said, "This job requires you to do the same. Yutaka, meet Ran Yakumo. She wants advice on being a good Shikigami. If you like, you two can discuss things in the library, that way you can still talk to your... new friend."

Yutaka bowed, and said, "Thank you, Boss. That's the first tip, Miss Ran... always thank your boss for concessions..."

"But my mistress never gives concessions..."

Dawitsu took a lift downstairs to find the foyer in disrepair. Cirno had invited her friends around at some point, and they were discussing what a Starman could be. Remilia had re-entered the house, and was throttling Aya for one reason or another, and Sakuya, who was accompanying her master this time, was looking at a framed picture depicting a red-haired, busty-looking maid and looking down at her own for comparison. Feeling like starting a fight, Dawitsu laughed and said, "Well, now. I do hope you don't resort to using pads just to be the perfect maid..."

Sakuya turned red, and instinctively knifed the too-stupid-for-his-own-good youkai.

"Am I wrong?" the pained mimicker spluttered before being kneed in the crotch.

Sakuya simply said, "You're a masochist, aren't you? Just like that celestial who caused the scarlet weather disaster. Or did you expect anything else?"

"You know, attacking someone for bringing up a perfectly valid point doesn't make you superior to them..." the weakened youkai mumbled from the floor.

"Well I... shut up." Sakuya abandoned any hope of winning the argument in word, so simply added four more knives to the guy's back.

Author's note: Yay, a Sakuya wears pads joke! It's party time, party time, everybody's feelin' fine because it's party time!

Imagine what you like about the party around the main events. All I can say is there was plenty of booze, but Suika hogged it all. And, while I'm filling plotholes, Reimu was sleeping through this, and Marisa was repairing her house.


	7. 07: Aya wins: Fatality

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 7: Aya wins- Fatality**

_Dawitsu Mansion- Private Quarters, around 10:00 am_

Dawitsu woke up to 'Morning Mood' by Edvard Grieg, played through one of his mysterious 'speaker' devices. He yawned, caressed his head, and moaned, "Ugh, why did I enter a drinking competition with that Oni? I was bound to lose... must've thought it was a good idea at the time or something..."

Yutaka, who was already up by this point, entered Dawitsu's room to find him sprawled on his bed in nothing but a pair of extremely creased trousers and his tokin.

"Um... I brought you some aspirin... for the headache... sorry!" she said awkwardly before leaving a cup of dispersible aspirin on his bedside table and dashing out.

"Unngh..." the hungover Youkai grunted.

Eventually he brought himself out of bed, and asked his Shikigami, "Hey, Yutaka, how'd the advice session for that Ran woman go?"

"Surprisingly well. She said she'd never heard of a vacuum cleaner, nor even a mop, so I let her borrow the spares."

"You gave her the Henry, not the Dyson, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. How's things other to that?"

"Well, me and Patchouli Knowledge really hit it off. We talked for hours about magic. She said she's thinking of writing her own grimoire."

"Oh, is she now?"

"Also, she stayed the night."

Dawitsu's face turned from a half-asleep one to a shocked and horrified one. "Yutaka! How could you? The first night you meet someone? You didn't seem the type... oh God, so is she asleep in your bed right now?"

Yutaka reddened at the assumption. "N-no! She stayed in my bed, while I made my own bed in the office! I... can't believe you thought that I..."

Dawitsu sweat-dropped. "Um... never mind, I'm sorry, Yutaka. So, how was your bed?"

Yutaka continued smiling, and simply went along with her boss' foolish attempt to change the subject. "Perfect... just right for me, you know, seen as I made it myself. Boss, you don't think that Patchouli could be..."

"Could be what?"

"...you know..."

"What, that way inclined?" Dawitsu said with a wink towards his shikigami and friend.

"...Yeah. Well?"

"Perhaps. She doesn't give off a particular vibe either way. She's..."

Yutaka meaningfully looked through her master, signalling a cutting-head gesture with where her hands should have been.

"Hi there, new guy." Patchouli said from behind Dawitsu, frightening him and cutting him off mid sentence. "Who doesn't give off what kind of vibe either way?"

"...Never mind." Dawitsu said, hoping he was off the hook. "How was your... um... night, Miss Knowledge?"

"Just... fine... what were you talking about?"

Yutaka tried swaying her, as Patchouli was far more likely to listen to her brand new friend than the mimicking loser, "It was nothing. Talking about someone from the outside world."

"Oh, I see. Your boss doesn't speak to people all that well, does he?"

"I'm right here!" Dawitsu indignantly replied, slightly irked at the fact his shikigami had outsmarted him.

Just then, a wall smashed apart, leaving none other than a reporter-shaped hole in it's place. "Hello, there! Checking on the ever-eventful household and..." Aya said, before pausing at the sight of Patchouli Knowledge in a night-gown. "_Oh, this is too good!_" she continued with an evil grin on her face.

"I-it's not what you think!" all three of the victims-to-be shouted simultaneously.

"Sure it isn't. While we're at it, I've had sources that say that Mister Dawitsu here sexually harassed a Miss Sakuya Izayoi."

Yutaka turned to Dawitsu in shame, "Is that true, Boss?"

Dawitsu was burning under the glare of the Reporter and Shikigami. "O-of course not... I just joked about her wearing pads..."

"Oh, really? That's funny, because I didn't really have any sources, and you're coming out and saying it now... this is so going down in print!" the Tengu said while scribbling away in her notepad.

"That's it! I've have enough!" the frustrated mimicker yelled, before declaring the name of a copycat attack. "Copycat sign... FALCON... PAWNCH!"

With that, he punched Aya through another segment of the wall, and no doubt far away indeed.

"Sorry, I'll fix the wall this time..." Dawitsu apologized.

_The next day, Hakurei Shrine_

"Ah, finally, the wall's fixed!" Reimu said, with a look of pride on her face. This pride was soon shattered by the physical shattering of the freshly-repaired wall. Aya declared, "Sorry for intruding!"

"I hate you so much." Reimu said darkly.

"Ah, I may have to take that down in writing. Read this Bunbunmaru Issue," Aya replied, handing a newspaper to the Shrine Maiden, "...it's got so much _gossip_!"

"Oh. Well, that doesn't fix my wall, does it. Damn it, I'd only just finished it. Why do you have to arrive at the worst of times?"

"Because I'm a reporter. I show up when people least expect it."

"GET OUT OF MY SHRINE!" Reimu finally yelled.

"Only if you read the paper."

"Whatever. Go. Just go. My poor wall... my poor wall..." Reimu said, opening the newspaper and chanting, "Oh, I'm reading the paper, oh I'm reading the paper, how interesting, how cheeky, how silly... okay, this is tiresome, leave me alone..."

"Request granted!" Aya said.

"Wait... don't..." Reimu started to say, but in vain as a second hole in the wall was produced. "...smash through the wall..."

_Forest of Magic, immediately after_

Marisa and Alice were working on fixing Marisa's house. Working together, they'd gotten the left half done. Marisa tiredly asked Alice, "Why are you helping me..."

"Reciprocal Altruism."

"What?"

"Quid Pro Quo. I help you, and you help me later."

"When will I do that?"

"When I decide to repair my house. It got damaged in the after-shocks of your house's demise, you know."

"But you have all these dolls to help you... that's unfair."

"All those dolls are ultimately controlled by me, you know. I do put effort into what I do, just with style."

"Well, if you count deranged psychopath as style, then I guess I can't call you on that one..."

"Look, do you want me to help you or not?"

The argument ceased as Aya Shameimaru descended from the forest canopy. "Hello, hard workers!"

"What brings you here?" a clearly irritated Alice asked.

"Why not take a break from all that strenuous work and read the Bunbunmaru paper? You'll find some interesting articles in this issue!"

"You know, I might do that!" Marisa said, and then opened her hand to receive a copy. "Have fun not reading the paper, Alice. You know how you hate all those gossip rags and such..."

"I hate you so much." Alice said half-bitterly.

"Funny you should say that, I heard the exact same turn of phrase by the Shrine Maiden! Perhaps I should write an article, 'I hate you so much' gains widespread popularity!"

With that, Aya left Marisa to read the paper. Alice continued manipulating her dolls and making them work on Marisa's house. Half-way through the paper, Marisa suddenly shouted, "Oh... my... GOD! Alice, Alice, check this out."

Alice looked at the article Marisa was frenziedly pointing at, tried not to laugh, and failed.

"Oh, that's hilarious! How about we take a break and check round at ol' Patchy's place!" Alice suggested.

"Absolutely." Marisa concluded while grinning.

_Scarlet Devil Mansion Library, some time later_

Patchouli was silently reading a book she borrowed from the Dawitsu Mansion called 'Terra-forming: Create new worlds in seconds.'. She was getting to the bit Yutaka Hadekawa referred to as 'a trade secret'.

"Stop right there!" Marisa yelled, appearing behind Patchouli. Alice soon appeared beside her.

"I wasn't moving." Patchouli bluntly replied.

"Shut it! We know what you were up to last night! Spending time at night with _both _the newcomers! You swing both ways, eh Patchy?" Marisa mocked.

"Yeah... liking people of the same gender is... um... simply unforgivable..." Alice defensively said.

"Man, you're terrible at insulting people!" Marisa said to Alice, then turned her attention back to Patchouli, "So, was it fun?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Patchouli adamantly stated.

"Then what's this book? From their library, I see."

"You have have no proof that it's from there..."

"Yes, I do." Marisa said, and showed so by attempting to take the book. It immediately roared, bearing it's now-present teeth at the witch. "See, authentic curse that I know that new mansion keeps on it's books."

"It's not how it looks..." Patchouli weakly replied.

"Oh yeah... well... you're a lesbian!" Alice insulted.

"Just shut up and let me do the talking." Marisa said to Alice, and continued her assault, "Look, all I'm saying is spending a _whole night _at a guy's house, with a dyke of a shikigami hanging around the place as well makes you look a little bit suspicious..."

"She doesn't give off a dyke feeling at all! How do you know that she..." Patchouli stopped as she realised that she had incriminated herself.

"...Oh, so you found out _quite a bit _about that Shikigami when you stayed the night, eh? Totally platonic, I imagine."

Sakuya entered the library, wondering what the noise was. "Sorry I didn't get here sooner, Patchouli! Is there a problem?"

"Yeah, these magician wannabes are infecting my library with slander. They need to be thrown out immediately."

"Yes, Miss Patchouli. Should I use the knives?"

"Of course."

"Hold on..." Marisa interrupted, "Before we leave, can I ask you a question, Sakuya?"

"What?"

"That Dawitsu guy harassed you and said you wear pads. Is it true?"

Marisa and Alice got beaten to a near inch of their lives, and were dumped in the Scarlet Devil Mansion's bins, left for dead.

_Dawitsu Mansion, Foyer, evening_

Dawitsu felt through his pockets. He found the letter Ran had given him yesterday, and slowly opened the envelope. He took the A4 sheet out of it, and read the letter silently.

It read 'Dear Mateyuu Dawitsu. If you are reading this, then Ran finally found your house. I know you had your hunches, but, yes, I spirited you away to Gensokyo. I also know that you will, at some point, cause a very minor incident by stealing something. I noticed that you were a compulsive kleptomaniac, so this prediction is almost definitely correct. I also know that you have always dreamed of meeting girls as talented as yourself at making Danmaku, so I sent you here to prove that this isn't such a desirable thing. Now you're trapped by hundreds of girls who don't just equate your ability, but are far better. Happy? As for the Shikigami, she is too good for you. She dotes on you like a spoilt child, and you are far too stupid to treat her properly. I hope to fight you some day for a chance to take her to a real owner... like, say, me.

That is all. Expect to see me soon. Regards, Yukari Yakumo.'

Dawitsu quivered as he read the last few sentences. Yutaka was fast asleep after staying up the previous night talking... how could he wake her up just to tell her such horrible news... but it had to be done.

He gently entered Yutaka's room, and turned on the light. He gazed at her sleeping body for a bit, sighed, and softly said, "Yutaka... wake up."

Yutaka rubbed her eyes, which remained closed even after she stopped rubbing, and she asked him, "Boss, why'd you wake me up? Do you need me for something?"

"Well... you see, I received a letter from the one who took us here..."

"Was it who you thought it was?"

"Yeah. And she wants to fight me."

"Whatever for?"

"That's the thing... Yutaka, she..." Dawitsu looked at his Shikigami. He found her beautiful, kind, and endearing. He loved her like a father loves his teenage daughter. His eyes began to fill up a little. "...she wants you to be her Shikigami. She wants to take you away from me."

"No... no, that can't be... I won't allow it!"

"But... she seems to not be open to negotiation. Oh, Yutaka, what are we to do?" 

"Well... I don't know."

"That's it... I'm going through with it. I need to speak with as many of these girls as possible. I'm going to learn as much Danmaku as possible."

"Why not make something new?" Yutaka asked, slightly worried.

"I... can't" Dawitsu weakly said, "I'm a mimicker, not a border youkai. I'm not godlike... I can't do this! Oh, Yutaka!" Dawitsu cried, and hugged his Shikigami, despite her being in her night clothes. "I can't live without you! You're my only friend! I don't want to lose you!"

Yutaka paused, then hugged back. "Boss, you won't. You'll win. I know you will..."

Author's note: Things take a serious turn! Seriously guys, review! I don't know how I'm doing! Do I need improvement? Have I shifted too much focus onto the OCs? Am I doing okay? Come on, review! I love a critique or a compliment, JUST SAY SOMETHING!


	8. 08: Originality for Dummies

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 8: Originality for Dummies**

_Hakurei Shrine, circa nine anti-meridian_

Reimu had finally received some different breakfast products from Suika, and was enjoying some Miso Soup. She heard a knocking sound at her door, and quickly said, "Come in!"

The door opened to reveal none other than that pesky newcomer and his shikigami. "Hello, Miss Hakurei." He said, a shaky tone of humility dotting his speech pattern. "I've come here to... train."

"Train? But I thought you said you had a ton of spell-cards... and what's up with your voice?"

"Never mind... I just need to train. Reimu! Attack me with your most powerful danmaku!"

"Okay..." Reimu replied, still confused as to why he was asking this of her, "Here goes..."

She performed 'Dream Sign: Duplex Barrier'. A grand border of Danmaku formed around Dawitsu, right before the danmaku disappeared, changed direction, and reappeared.

"Okay, I think I'm... getting it..." Dawitsu said, dodging while concentrating. "Okay... is the skill reliant on focusing on your Yin-yang orbs?"

"Um... sort of. You've got to imagine the border surrounding your enemy."

"Imagine... okay. Let me test this out. Stop attacking for a moment..." Dawitsu paused, and then performed 'Copycat Sign: Duplex Barrier'. The Danmaku surrounded Reimu, who was smiling a little, and then Danmaku disappeared, changed direction, reappeared, then disappeared a further time, reappearing around 30 degrees off the expected angle. This threw Reimu off, and she quickly got hit.

"Ha! I knew I could be unpredictable! Thank you, Miss Hakurei!" Dawitsu excitedly proclaimed, and cleared his bullet pattern.

"So you added a little twist of your own?"

"Yeah, that was the idea. Sorry for bothering you, Miss Hakurei."

"It's okay. You can help me rebuild this wall here." she replied, gesturing towards two relatively fresh-looking reporter-shaped holes. "What's up with your Shikigami? She hasn't said anything since you entered the house."

Dawitsu looked as if he had received the news that someone had died. He looked at Yutaka, who was sitting at Reimu's breakfast table with a worried expression.

"It's... personal."

"Is it about the Bunbunmaru issue? Because I don't believe a single thing I read in there anyway..."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Dawitsu asked.

"You know... the thing... you, her, and Patchouli Knowledge. Yeah, don't believe it at all."

"Oh... I thought that Tengu was bluffing... sorry, I think I may have to abandon your wall-fixing activity... but don't worry, you'll never have to fix your wall again once I'm done with that piece of..." Dawitsu walked towards the shrine's door.

"Where are we going next, boss?" Yutaka finally spoke, albeit quietly.

"You know. Time to silence that reporter once and for all." Dawitsu growled with a face of pure hatred.

"Okay, boss." Yutaka dejectedly mused, following him accordingly out the door.

Reimu watched them leave at the entrance, and couldn't help but think that something terrible had happened to one or both of the newcomers... something that hurt more than just the pride.

_Youkai Mountain, Eleven AM_

Aya was pouring her press a cup of herbal tea. She looked at it admiringly, saying, "Oh, I can always come home to you, can't I? What's that? We should kiss, to break the tension? Great idea, lets do it, just as friends, though..."

Aya puckered her lips and closed in on the press'... stamp. Just then, _her _wall smashed apart, revealing a thunder-faced Dawitsu. She looked at Dawitsu, and then at her press.

"It's not what you think..." Aya somewhat ironically said.

Dawitsu's face remained unchanged. He walked up to the Tengu, stood over her, and screamed, "DAMN YOU TO HELL! YOU MALICIOUS, WORTHLESS, LIAR!"

He then began to destroy various printed mementos of former issues, all while Aya was frantically salvaging the pieces left behind and attempting to convince him against the idea. Eventually she thought of a way to stop him.

"It's a waste of effort... I can just print them again and again. These copies alone mean nothing." Aya smugly said.

Dawitsu paused, and then his face cracked into a psychotic grin. "Oh, really? And how will you print them again without a press?"

"You wouldn't..."

"Try me." Dawitsu proceeded to point his finger at Aya's press. He then shot an explosive shot similar to Reisen Udongein Inaba and instantly obliterated the machine.

"KENNY!" Aya screamed, bursting into tears.

Dawitsu attempted to resist the reference, but said it anyway. "Yes, I killed Kenny. While justice is being served... Copycat Sign: Doctor Octogonapus!"

He proceeded to fire a laser from what seemed like an inserted-in cartoon mouth straight at the Tengu, which knocked her out cold. Yutaka, who was waiting outside, saw her master exit from the same hole he created.

"Come on, Yutaka. I'll need your help for the next visit."

"Oh? Where are we going now?"

"Scarlet Devil Mansion. But before we do that..." Dawitsu performed Copycat Sign: Hammer-space, and proceeded to get a Molotov Cocktail from his pocket. He was about to throw it at Aya's house, but he was stopped by hand grasping his arm through a sleeve.

"Don't, Boss. You know how I hate to see you attack people..." Yutaka softly said.

Dawitsu paused. He looked at Yutaka to see her eyes wide open. They were deep blue, and even he hadn't seen them before. He stared at them, and slowly took to dropping the explosive harmlessly on the ground.

"Sorry. I won't attack anyone at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. We're going to see Patchouli. That's why I need your help."

"Oh. Do you want me to do the speaking?"

"Yes, please."

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, noon_

Remilia Scarlet was about to drink some Jasmine Tea while eating some cake prepared by Sakuya. Hong Meiling interrupted them, however, and said, "There are some visitors for a Miss Patchouli Knowledge and a Miss Sakuya Izayoi..."

"Who are they?" Remilia bluntly asked.

"Well, one's a guy, and one's a short girl with spiky hair..."

Sakuya and Remilia's faces both contorted in anger.

"What? Was it something I said?" Hong Meiling wondered out loud, before being shoved aside so that the Mistress and Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion and the Master and Head Servant of the Dawitsu mansion could have it out. Upon meeting the pair in the Mansion Gardens, Remilia took instantly to relentlessly assaulting Dawitsu.

"Why are you here? You're not welcome! You're never welcome! You steal my sister's sword, you dare talk back to me, the Scarlet Devil! You insult my beautiful Head Maid and imply that these..." and proceeded to point to Sakuya's chest, causing her to blush, "...aren't real! You have a nerve, showing up like this! Just go!"

"Just... hear me out." Dawitsu finally said after waiting for the verbal barrage to stop, "I know I'm the last person you want to see, but please, listen. If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours..."

"Ugh! And now he wants to scratch my back! Go to hell, male freak!" Remilia spat.

"It's a turn of phrase..." Patchouli Knowledge cut in, walking towards the group.

"I knew that!" Remilia lied, "How dare you defend this moron? So, what do you really want?"

"I want to observe the spell-cards of both your Head Maid and Miss Knowledge here... at the same time."

"You... want to be attacked?" Sakuya asked, puzzled.

"Yeah. Isn't that appealing?" Dawitsu finally said.

"But, what's the advantage for you?" Remilia, equally puzzled, added.

Yutaka explained, "My Boss is a mimicker. He is currently struggling with the imitation of certain spell-cards, and wants to train in some of your ways. He wants to become stronger by viewing your strengths."

"Ah. So, how will we benefit?" Remilia said.

"Well, how about I do some babysitting? Play with the little sister and keep her off your hands for a bit every day for... two weeks." Dawitsu proposed.

"Three."

"Two and a half."

"Four."

"That's not how negotiations work... oh, whatever. Four weeks it is. So, shall we get to it?"

So Sakuya and Patchouli travelled to the Mansion Library, visitors in tow. Yutaka asked Patchouli Knowledge, "So, how did you find the book I let you borrow?"

"I think I'm getting the hang of it. Yesterday I made an all-green dimension I like to call 'Dimension D'. It makes me two-hundred and fifty six times more powerful."

"Oh, my boss would like that. He can do a similar trick himself by imitating a certain someone."

Meanwhile, Sakuya and Dawitsu were making more awkward conversation.

"So... yeah... sorry about the whole pads thing..."

"It's... it's okay. It's kind of... true, anyway. I don't like Remilia always saying about how maids should be busty, and trip and stumble one-third of the time when delivering tea..."

"Oh, your Mistress just wants someone who's Moé..."

"Moé?"

"Um... yeah. Never mind. You won't get what I'm talking about. I think it's childish. You know what, you should go without them, and be proud of your body as it is."

"What did you say?" Sakuya asked, slightly touched.

"...Nothing. Sorry for bringing it up." Dawitsu said, thinking she hadn't heard his last sentence.

They finally got an area of the library Patchouli liked to call 'The Sandbox'. She used it to test all her new spells on Koakuma, who was mysteriously absent.

Patchouli said, "Right. New guy, you want to see us _both _in action?"

"Yeah. I want to see a five-element attack while knives and time-stopping occurs."

"So, should I perform 'Clock Corpse'?" Sakuya asked.

"Yeah, that way I can get the basics of temporal manipulation without focusing too much on the knives... you see, I can throw knives no problem. Similarly, Patchouli, I can perform your single-element cards well enough, so show me a combo... Lava Cromlech, Mercury Poison, or Philosopher's Stone particularly." Dawitsu half-commanded.

Yutaka asked, "Should I shift the area at all?"

"Actually, yes please, Yutaka. Switch to a Dojo with very little room to dodge. I want to feel the full force of these attacks."

The scenery began to dissolve, and the library was soon replaced by a Dojo. Sakuya was confused, Patchouli was impressed.

"So, you ready for this?" Patchouli asked.

"Yeah, go go go!" Dawitsu said. Blue, yellow, brown, and red danmaku filled the immediate area, and Sakuya blasted some cyan crystals outwards, then proceeded to teleport, which made a wall of silver knives appear in front of Dawitsu. He proceeded to dodge, and observe Sakuya closely... she seemed to hold a stopwatch in her hands. Simultaneously, he observed Patchouli. She was rapidly reciting incantation after incantation in an undertone.

"I..." Dawitsu tried to say, narrowly dodging a fire bullet. "...think... I've... got it!"

He then began to teleport randomly, to and fro, purple-lined knives appearing more and more as he teleported, and then he proceeded to raise his arm, and send fire, ice, and wood-type bullets towards the Maid and Magician.

"YES! That's called 'Combination Sign: Magic Photograph'! Thank you so much!"

Yutaka instantly cleared the Dojo of Danmaku, and restored the Library. "Good job, sir!"

"And good job, you two! You made it so damn simple to observe! You know, before I was looking at you through a screen, trying to learn your moves, but this is so much easier! Thanks again!" Dawitsu complimented the two helpers.

"Wait, how did you observe us through a screen?" Sakuya asked.

"They're from the outside world." Patchouli 'explained'.

"That didn't explain anything." Sakuya confusedly murmured.

"It doesn't matter. Great job, once again! Seriously, you're a real help!"

"Why do you need help, anyway?"

Dawitsu's relatively happy looking face turned stern. He confided in Sakuya and Patchouli. "Me and Yutaka... we're in big trouble."

Yutaka continued for her master, "My boss received a letter from Yukari Yakumo, saying that she wants to challenge us..."

"...but that isn't the issue." Dawitsu continued, somehow knowing that they were sharing dialogue equally, "The issue is what the fight's for..."

"Yukari wants to..."

"...she wants to..."

Both Shikigami and Master couldn't bring themselves to complete the sentence.

"...She wants to take me away from my Boss." Yutaka finally said, holding her boss for support. Dawitsu then put his arm around his Shikigami, and started crying once again.

Patchouli was disgusted. "She can't do that. That's not right... that's not..."

"...I know it isn't right!" Dawitsu screamed, distraught and clinging to Yutaka ever tighter. "Me and Yutaka..." the two proceeded to un-hug, hold each other's hands, and look at each other. "...we have a special bond, you know? Brother and Sister, best friends for life..."

Sakuya looked at the pair, slightly envious of the two despite their plight. "I... wish my Mistress loved me as much as you love her..."

Dawitsu sniffed, then more tears flowed out from his eyes. Yutaka was also in tears at this point, and Patchouli could only see the situation escalating.

"Look, it'll make you feel better to just focus on the fight ahead. Take this book. It'll teach you how to make your own spells. From scratch. No mimicry." Patchouli comforted, while giving the mimicker a book called 'Elemental Magic- Draw power from the Surroundings'. "It'll help you become less predictable. That's your problem, you see. You copy things, so no matter how powerful you are, it's always seen coming."

"Oh... and, Mister Dawitsu..." Sakuya said, "Take this..." handing him a stopwatch. "This will help you stop time a little better..."

"I... can't take that... you need it for chores and stuff..."

"Well, maybe the Mistress can do without her usual maid for a bit, eh?" Sakuya replied, winking at Dawitsu meaningfully.

Yutaka despondently looked at Sakuya, "You don't have to pity us..."

Patchouli instantly corrected Yutaka, "Look, I'm doing this because you're my friend. And... I don't know why Sakuya's helping you, but I assure you, the reason isn't pity."

The day dragged on, and Yukari's deadline drew closer. Dawitsu and Yutaka went home at about half-past eight, and Dawitsu crashed into his bed, falling asleep instantly. However, Yutaka picked up the book Patchouli gave Dawitsu to learn...

_Perhaps now of all times was the moment to learn offensive magic?_

Author's note: Man, what a depressing chapter! Needed to be done, though. Oh, what will become of these OCs? Will Yukari have her way or will... relative good prosper over relative... bitchiness?

Some will be revealed, next chapter.


	9. 09: Shikigami Showdown

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 9: Shikigami showdown**

_Dawitsu Mansion, mid-day_

Yutaka and Dawitsu were looking discussing their predicament, much more emotionally balanced than before.

"Whatever happens, we'll stay in touch." Dawitsu assured his Shikigami.

"Yes, sir. Absolutely." Yutaka replied, "How are you doing in regards to learning spell-cards?"

"Well, I think I've just about covered everything I'd want to. Still can't mimic Alice's doll cards, but I'll do." 

"I meant making your own..."

"But... I..." Dawitsu knew he had let the team down a little in his complacency. It seemed that he was human to the extent that he only did things he was good at.

"Never mind, boss..." Yutaka mused, knowing she had learnt a little from the book while her boss had slept. "I'll help out as best I can..."

"Now, there's one last place I need to go... that Youmu Konpaku girl said that I was needed for a project in the netherworld."

"Oh? Was this at the party?"

"Yeah. I should probably keep my promise and see what's going on there. While I'm there, I may as well brush up on my ability to mimic that half-ghost's sword slashes. If we go now, we may still have time before that Yukari woman finds us." 

"Yes, sir!"

_The Netherworld, twelve-thirty post meridian_

The Netherworld was lively and gorgeous, full of cherry blossoms still, despite the Perfect Cherry Blossom incident ending ages ago. After a brief chat with the three main attractions of the phantom ensemble, the Prismriver Sisters, Dawitsu and his Shikigami walked up to Yuyuko Saigyouji's house, not quite sure what to expect.

"So, is the front door here?" Dawitsu questioned, pointing at one of the doors on the strange ghost's house. "Or is it here?" he said, pointing to a door on the perpendicular edge of the house.

Eventually, the pair just took their chances and entered... a door. They were surprised to find out they'd guessed correctly, and the living room of Yuyuko Saigyouji greeted them. However, Yuyuko's voice did not. Sitting under Yuyuko's kotatsu was not the ghost herself, but a friend of hers. A most unwelcome friend for Dawitsu and Yutaka...

"Oh, so you just barge in here? Don't knock, or anything? So I can add 'poor manners' to the list of unappealing qualities about you..."

The woman wore purple, and was donning a parasol. It was none other than Yukari Yakumo.

"Damn it! That ghost was working with you all along!" Dawitsu exclaimed.

"No, that's not true. I simply told Yuyuko that a feast was happening at Eientei. She'll be searching for the buffet room for hours... and then I took the opportunity to wait for you here."

"Hmph, so you even trick your friends. 'Duplicitous' is a poor quality to add to my list..."

"Stop using long words to make yourself sound intelligent. You aren't. Your shikigami on the other hand..." she replied, gesturing to Yutaka, "Is a fine specimen indeed. And yet she's below you in hierarchy. It makes no sense. That's why I'm rectifying things. A spot under me is far better than a spot under you."

Yutaka interrupted, "I work for him under my own free will! You can't make me switch sides, even if you do win."

"Oh, but I can. I'm the Goddess of Gensokyo. I control what goes in and what goes out..."

"Well, I know you work as a bar tender in the outside world!" Dawitsu jeered. "Saw you, every Friday, serving drinks to lairy hooligans. They all think you're seventeen. Speaking of which, how long have you lived? Long enough to perhaps... I don't know, get a better job?"

"I prefer eminence in Gensokyo to eminence in a pathetic world where people think magic is a non-existence. What they don't realise is that science is a form of magic... using knowledge to manipulate one's surroundings and understand them better. The outside is hypocritical, unstable. Gensokyo, on the other hand, remains in dynamic equilibrium- fluctuating in condition rapidly, but maintaining the same conditional average- unlike the outside world, which is on a steady decline."

"You hate the outside world a lot, don't you? I happened to like it there, you harpy! Don't ever call the outside world worthless!"

"You merely stated your opinion. You didn't back it up with evidence, or reasoning. I guess that settling matters with Danmaku is all a caveman like you would understand."

"That's what they all do in Gensokyo!" Dawitsu legitimately pointed out.

Yukari, surprised at actually being outsmarted in such a simple way, smiled. "Well, lets do this. I called upon some help... my wonderful Shikigami, Ran!" She proceeded to point her parasol at the kitsune, who was entering from a side kitchen as she was mentioned.

"Mistress, I assume this is the battle you wanted me to..." the fox paused as she saw the two people she was about to fight, "Oh... no... I can't do this... not to these guys..."

"Why not?"

"The Shikigami rendered me a favour... I can't just..."

"It's okay, I won't hate you if you hit me..." Yutaka assured.

"However, if your master hits Yutaka, I won't forgive her." Dawitsu added. "You're not to blame."

Yukari was getting sick and tired of this build-up. "Argh! That's it! Shikigami: Ran Yakumo!"

Ran instantly took to rotating rapidly, and shot circle-shaped Danmaku as she span towards the pair. Dawitsu instantly countered with Copycat Sign: Dawitsu's Special Stopwatch. From his perception, the bullets froze, and he dashed to save his Shikigami from a near unavoidable barrage, while throwing knives towards Yukari.

From Yukari's perspective, the mimicker teleported, bringing his Shikigami with him, and knives suddenly appeared. She quite easily dodged them, and continued ordering Ran to attack the pair.

"Come on, you two! Show me something interesting!"

"Okay, then! Combination Sign: Lunar Madness!"

The Danmaku Field (which was actually Yuyuko's living room) rumbled, and started to change colour. Bullets shaped like... bullets fired from familiars summoned by Dawitsu, and formed dense sheets around Yukari. Ran got hit, and quickly took a spot behind her mistress. The danmaku stopped, changed direction, and restarted as Dawitsu took to laughing insanely while firing purple spheres from his fingers.

Yukari waved her fan in front of her face, effortlessly dodging left and right. Ran eventually got over her injury, and began to perform 'Shikigami- Protection of Zenki and Goki'. Yutaka streamed this attack, and performed what she attempted to learn the night before.

"Uh... Environmental Sign: Mayan Calendar Expiration!" she called.

This shocked Dawitsu, as he'd never realised she was training in offensive magic beyond a couple of elemental spells. Yukari smiled, "Good, show your master how truly pitiful he is!"

She held her arms up, and caused the ground below them to stab upwards at Yukari. She held Ran as a shield, then threw the unconscious Shikigami to the side immediately after the attack hit. Yutaka was about to cause lava-type danmaku to rain from above, but stopped mid spell-card to check on Ran.

"Ran! Are you okay? Is this how your mistress treats you usually?"

But Ran lay on the now highly unstable ground, unable to answer. Dawitsu was now dodging lasers and butterfly-type danmaku and yelling, "Come on, you can help her out later! Now finish showing me what an awesome girl you can be!"

Yutaka was weighing the dilemma in her head, and decided that attacking was the best choice. She diffused the lasers by manipulating the wavelength of Yukari's danmaku, and made the dodging of the butterfly danmaku ten times easier. She then sent lasers _towards _Yukari, and took her by surprise when she actually got hit.

"Ouch! Is that how you treat your future mistress?"

Dawitsu took insult to that, and decided to add to the fire-power. "You're not her future mistress. Say goodbye!"

With that, he performed Combination Sign: Duplex Spark. This consisted of shrine-maiden type energy rectangles trapping Yukari, who was randomly sparking danmaku in any direction possible. Dawitsu followed up with a spark of his own, as a glorious beam fired from his holographic mini-hakkero.

Yukari was now genuinely panicking, and decided to perform 'Border Sign: Quadruple Barrier' to level the playing field. She yelled, "Ran, get up, stop snoozing!"

Ran, who was only half conscious, babbled unintelligably.

"Ugh! You're useless!" she complained, and then laughed. "You won't beat me. Now, lose yourself within my Arcanum!"

She performed the aforementioned attack, drawing Dawitsu and Yutaka towards the Border Youkai. There, she whispered sinisterly towards Dawitsu, "I'm gonna make you all alone. You don't stand a chance. You'll be so lonely, you'll wish you could die..."

Dawitsu felt something primitive overcome him, and he took to punching Yukari in the face. She obvious never expected melee attacks, so flinched and lost concentration, messing up the Danmaku pattern. This, however, made it less predictable, causing Yutaka to get hit, and be knocked out cold. Yukari eventually retaliated by clubbing the Mimicker over the head with her parasol.

"If it's a fist fight you want, I'll gladly oblige..." she gloated, and then yelled, "Let's finish this!"

"You've been hit already!" complained Dawitsu.

"But am I damaged? No. Come on. Within this Arcanum, dodging and fighting. I dare you."

Dawitsu didn't reply, and clicked Sakuya's stopwatch, moved behind Yukari, and prepared to strike. However, when time restarted, Yukari instantly turned around and elbowed the Youkai in the face, nearly knocking him into a turquoise bullet. He desperately tried slashing her with an imitation machete, but she kept teleporting one inch too far away from his blade.

Yukari finally oozed an arrogant, self-assured taunt, "I'll love your Shikigami. She'll do all the chores fifty percent better than Ran and Chen combined. I'll also also change her stupid clothes and hair while we're at it."

Dawitsu took in every pride-filled word. He became overcome with anger, and then performed 'Copycat Sign: Omnislash'. He took out a rainbow-coloured sword, and slashed relentlessly, but every time, Yukari dodged.

"I've played Final Fantasy Seven, you know. I know _all _your tricks. You're a loser, Dawitsu, and now I'm going to prove it." Yukari finally said, and grabbed Dawitsu's right arm. She promptly swung him, and sent him flying into the edges of the Arcanum. Bullet after bullet pelted the Youkai, eventually causing him to pass out.

_Mayohiga, next day_

"Ah, isn't this great?" Yukari sadistically said while eating chocolate cake, "You, cleaning the house, with your amazing Vacuum Cleaner!"

Yutaka stayed silent, and continued hoovering up crumbs caused by Yakumo's cake.

"I wonder where Ran is... CHEN! Be a dear and find your mistress..."

However, Chen wasn't in the house either... they seemed to have disappeared entirely.

"Oh, well I guess I have to find them myself, won't I? Don't go anywhere, Shikigami. I need you later for... personal reasons."

Yutaka looked chilled to the bone by the last two words.

"I bet your old master hasn't even woken up yet... the pummelling I gave him is enough to kill a human fifty times over!"

_The Netherworld, during previous conversation_

Truly enough, Dawitsu had only just started to wake up. He heard fuzzy voices shouting, one which sounded familiar and another which didn't.

The shouts were becoming clearer. "Hey! Hey! Wake up!"

"Youmu doesn't know what she's talking about. Stay asleep, I want a fun ghost to stay here..."

Dawitsu slowly opened his eyes, revealing a concerned Youmu and a disappointed Yuyuko.

"Oh Youmu, look, you've messed it all up, now! He's alive!" Yuyuko complained.

"What... oh... no..."

"Hello, Newcomer. I see you showed up to help me on the project. It's funny that you knew what to do before I met you... I needed you to help make over the house. Sorry, I was out feasting. There was nothing to eat but Rabbits when I got there, though!"

"Make... over the house?"

"Yes, the 'destroyed' look is very in at the moment. So you come with style and a Y chromosome..."

Dawitsu stopped listening to the whimsical ghost, and pondered the situation... he remembered... getting desperate... more and more... he lost... again.

"Um, sir, can I get you anything?" Youmu asked Dawitsu, concerned.

Dawitsu slowly climbed up from the floor, and asked, "Have you seen my Shikigami?"

"The salmon-haired girl? Yes, I saw Yukari Yakumo carrying her unconscious body away from the netherworld. She said something about winning all three lotteries at once..."

"No... no..." Dawitsu heard and knew the words to be true, but couldn't believe them. "No... no... no... NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he finally screamed the last no so loud that all the netherworld's ghosts turned around and faced the source of the noise.

"My Shikigami... she's gone... she's working for... no..." he mumbled worriedly, as if every piece of his life was frittering away in front of him.

"What's going on? Is there something wrong?" Youmu asked, and Yuyuko folded her arms disapprovingly.

"When has there _not _been something wrong with a person who screams 'No' at the top of their voice?"

Dawitsu finally stopped mumbling, and just walked away from the two. Youmu attempted to follow him, but his back gave her the vibe that it was best not to follow him. He exited the netherworld, and floated down to the ground. There, he wandered slowly and painfully towards Hakurei Shrine. He then found his Mansion, floated upwards, and entered his now-empty house.

Silence permeated the foyer, and he sat, in misery, waiting for time to end his sorrow.

_Youkai Mountain- Some time later_

Aya was hand-writing her newspaper now that her press was gone, and the current article she was doing was a retraction.

The headline read, 'Apologies to Newcomers!' and the subtitle read, 'Events occur to make our intrepid reporter realize assumptions were wrong'. She looked at the wreckage where her press once sat, and then screwed up the piece of paper she was writing on. She knew that if she was going to print a retraction, she'd need a proper printer to do it, and figured only one guy could do it.

_Dawitsu Mansion, immediately after_

Dawitsu was passed out on his dining table, with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He didn't even hear the wall smash as a certain tengu entered the house.

"It's your friendly reporter Shameimaru, here to... hold on..." the reporter stopped talking after she saw the alcohol-soaked Youkai's body.

Aya shook him, and he woke up. "Hey, newcomer! I need a moment with you..."

"Go to hell, Aya. My life's over..."

"What?"

"My life has no meaning any more. Leave me alone."

"But I was going to print a retraction. Clear your name. Make you a beloved resident of Gensokyo, even put in a few white lies for you..."

"Why?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd help me fix my press... after the... accident a while ago. What do you say?"

"I'm in no state to do that. Okay, fine... on one condition. Don't print any more stories about me. I want to be left alone. Just leave me, and my house, alone."

Aya didn't need reporter's instincts to know the guy was depressed about something.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Oh, looking for more material?" Dawitsu wryly croaked.

"No. Tell me."

"Only if you tell me what you were doing with your press when I dropped by."

Aya reddened. "No. I won't bother finding out what's wrong..."

So Dawitsu followed Aya to her house on Youkai Mountain, and they both worked hard on fixing the gadget of slander and mass information that Dawitsu had only worked hard on destroying two days ago.

Observing their handiwork, Aya finally nodded. "Okay, that's it! Kenny's back!"

"Indeed. Now, can I go home?" Dawitsu monotonously droned.

"So you can drown your sorrows again? No, you're staying here for the night, whether you want to or not!" Aya concernedly said.

Dawitsu was unsure of the idea. The house stank of ink, and he was afraid of getting brain damage from solvent inhalation overnight. But before he could answer the question, he was saved by a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Aya said. The door opened to reveal Ran Yakumo and Chen.

"Ran Yakumo! What brings you here?" Aya asked.

"It's Dawitsu we're after... and it's not Yakumo any more." Ran said.

"What do you mean by it's not Yakumo any more?" Dawitsu questioned, slightly confused.

"Well, my term is over with Yukari. I only agreed to serve her four hundred years, and that battle was the last task I agreed to do for her."

Aya was wondering what battle she was referring to, but Ran didn't seem to notice.

"Anyway, I was just wondering... if it wasn't an issue..."

Chen butted in, "Ran-sama wants to be your new shikigami!"

"No... you can't replace Yutaka..."

Aya was grinning at the new material, but at the same time was kicking herself for agreeing not to write articles about Dawitsu.

"I insist! I'm sure you'll find some use for me! I'll polish your boots, shine your Tokin! Take on me! Take me on! Please!

"I'll... be... gone... in a day or TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." Dawitsu sang before crying his eyes out. "Oh, Yutaka would have loved that reference! God, just a day, and already I miss her like a hole in the head! Oh, whatever, Ran, just show up and clean the Mansion every now and then, or something, I don't care!"

Ran looked at the heart-broken mimicker. "I'm sorry..." she quietly concluded, and left Aya's house. Chen walked up to Dawitsu, pushed his hanging head up by the chin, smiled, and followed her mistress.

Aya slowly moved in on Dawitsu. "So that's what happened, huh? I now understand why you wouldn't tell me... okay, you _need _to stay the night with me. You seem to insecure alone. Sleep on that futon over there..." Aya said while pointing to a futon in the corner of the room labelled 'Kenny's bed'. "I'm sure he won't mind you borrowing his bed for a bit... what? You say that you're not lending it to your murderer? Well I say you are! So there! Sorry... presses, huh?"

"Um... yeah, those presses are a riot, aren't they?" Dawitsu awkwardly said, going along with whatever the hell was going on in Aya's head.

_The night was long, the ink was strong, and sleep was induced by a night-sparrow's song. Eventually Dawitsu was able to sleep, but a clear conscience could not keep._

Author's note: Another depressing chapter! Sorry, guys. Action scenes are so hard to write, it's exhausting stuff!

But I think I did a good job portraying Yukari Yakumo, greatest troll this side of the boundary! Didn't I? Hey guys, remember to review...


	10. 10: Like Master, like Servant

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 10: Like Master, like Servant**

_Youkai Mountain, Aya's house, late morning_

The futon which Aya provided Dawitsu with was surprisingly comfortable. He was enjoying a lie-in, as much as he could, at least, and eventually brought himself get up.

"Aya... where are you?" the drowsy Youkai asked. "You there?"

He searched the kitchen, upstairs, even the ink storage closet, which had a scent so strong that opening the door to it was like opening the door to hell itself. He choked slightly, and quickly shut the closet door again.

He decided to make himself an omelette, stealing a couple of eggs from Aya's cupboard. When he started eating it, Aya entered the door.

"Hello! You up yet? You slept for some time... where are you?" Aya said while inspecting the empty futon.

"Here, the kitchen. I made omelettes. You want some? It's my favourite food... oh, never mind, you won't get it..."

"What? Oh, well... I don't want any breakfast. Had some before I went out- managed to get the paper printed and delivered before you got up it seems. Didn't you get disturbed by the press making noise?"

"No... I could sleep for all of Gensokyo... thanks for letting me stay. For some reason, I feel much better..." Dawitsu shoved his last piece of omelette in his mouth. "I left you half in case you do want some at some point..."

Dawitsu then walked out of the kitchen, bowed respectfully towards Aya, then headed towards the door.

"See you, I guess... thanks again." he said, before opening the door.

"Wait!" Aya stopped the mimicker, "Before you go... take a Bunbunmaru Paper with you..."

"Oh..." Dawitsu turned around to face Aya, and walked up to her. He took the paper, and said, "I hope there's no articles involving me..."

"There absolutely isn't. Say, I have one more thing to ask of you... can we swap Tokins?"

"What?"

"Swap Tokins. Just for fun. You go your way, I go my way, and we'll count how many people notice the difference!"

"What made you want to do that?"

"I don't know... you just look in need of a little fun. Go on, live a little!"

"I would hardly call this 'living it up'..."

"Pff! You know nothing of good times! We tengu are the masters of hilarious antics! Go on! Just for one day!"

"Whatever." So the pair swapped hats, and put each other's Tokins on. There was barely a difference... both were deep-red and house-shaped.

Dawitsu finally left, adjusting his hat periodically on his way on his way home. Despite being near identical, the hat just didn't feel right.

_Dawitsu Mansion, one o'clock post meridian_

Dawitsu entered his house to find a certain Cat running about in the foyer. Her master was shouting from a distance, "Chen! Chen! Stop, you'll..."

Chen soon came to a stop, but not in the most desirable way, as she crashed into Dawitsu's prized copy of 'The Persistence of Memory' by Salvador Dali.

Dawitsu sighed. Ran entered the foyer, muttering, "Oh God, what's that girl done now?"

Dawitsu was shocked to see her wearing a blue wizard's outfit, just like his, except with looser sleeves, and a ribbon in her hair as opposed to the usual mob-cap.

"Oh, Master, I see you're here. Please forgive Chen, she was just playing for a bit..."

But Dawitsu was too dumbfounded by her getup to address that problem. "Ran... what's... what are you... why are you wearing..." 

"Well, I always used to wear similar clothes to Yukari-sama, so I figured that..."

"Ran... please... don't... try to be her..." Dawitsu held his head in his hands, and then snapped. "TAKE YUTAKA'S CLOTHES OFF!"

"They aren't hers, I just made them myself... but if you insist..." and she began to strip.

Dawitsu blushed, and shouted, "No, not here! In your private quarters! Is this what Yukari did to you or something?"

"Well, sometimes..."

"What do you mean... oh God... just get out of my sight!" Dawitsu concluded, and yanked Chen out of his painting as Ran dashed into a Lift.

"Now, Chen, I know you're not good at lying, so tell me. What did Yukari do to that poor fox?"

Chen started crying... "Whenever Ran didn't do a job well, she'd tell her to strip, and then she'd... hit her. She'd punch and bite... and Ran-sama would always leave with black eyes..."

"Oh... oh... this can't be happening... Yutaka!" Dawitsu called in vain before he fainted.

Ran re-entered the foyer in her usual clothes, and quickly noticed her unconscious new master. She ran up to the fainted fellow, and asked Chen what happened.

"I just told him about when Yukari-sama hits you..."

Ran's heart rushed into her throat. "You did what? He's probably still not gotten over his old shikigami! He probably thinks that... she's going through the same."

"I thought that if I did as I was told he'd be happy... sorry, Ran-sama."

"He told you to tell him... oh, he really hasn't got over her, has he..."

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, shortly after_

Patchouli Knowledge was practising Area Manipulation once again, in her library. She was currently forming an ocean made from liquid silver. However, she hadn't fully isolated her thoughts, and a muffled call of her name was repeating... over and over.

"Patchouli! Patchouli!" Sakuya was shouting, "Patchouli!"

The ocean collapsed, and the library reformed, and Patchouli finally called back, "What?"

"The newspaper arrived... Aya says you may want to see it..." 

"Well, she can forget that!"

"She insists..." Sakuya said, followed by Aya's voice saying, "Yes, I insist!"

Patchouli exited her library to see the hoo-ha. Sakuya was holding the newspaper, with Aya whispering in her next 'line' to shout to Patchouli.

"Hello, Aya. You caused two magicians to accuse me of philandering of the worst sort... so, what do you want?"

"Read the front-page issue..." Aya said, pushing Sakuya towards Patchouli, and Patchy promptly snatched the Newspaper off the maid.

'Previous issue regarding Patchouli Knowledge and Newcomers proven false!' the headline read, while the subtitle read, 'Intrepid reporter's sincere apologies and retraction towards Newcomers and Magician'.

"Heh, sorry isn't enough, eh?"

"No, absolutely not. Lets just say someone convinced me otherwise..."

"Was it one of the Newcomers?"

"Um... yeah. Hey, want to know something secret?" Aya whispered.

"It won't be secret for much longer if you know it..." Patchy mused.

"Well, I kind of vowed not to print anything about the guy... but... Dawitsu! His shikigami... it's now Yakumo's! And what's more, Ran Yakumo is now Ran Dawitsu! It's such a good scoop, but I can't do a thing about it..."

"Maybe that's for the best..." Sakuya muttered.

"Wait, so Yutaka isn't the new guy's shikigami any more? That's... okay, I'm going there." Patchouli decided.

"W-wait! I'm coming too!" Sakuya added.

Remilia Scarlet appeared behind both of the girls. "Uh uh. You're not going anywhere while I'm around."

Sakuya and Patchouli looked at the vampiress like she was... the devil.

"Why?"

"Because I hate that slime-ball, that's why! Sakuya, you need to clean up a spillage."

"But nothing's been spilt..."

Remilia dropped her cup of tea on the hall floor. "Something _has_ been spilt. Now get to it."

Sakuya looked at the broken china cup, then at Remilia's grinning face. Her face contorted, and eventually she broke.

"I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU! FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO CLEAN YOUR MESS!" she yelled, then reached into her top. "Also, these aren't real!" and threw out a couple of breast pads. "And you know what, I don't care any more! I'm proud of my own body! I'm leaving, and seeing the guy, whether you like it or not!"

Remilia scowled, and tried to look as tall and intimidating as possible, and walked up to Sakuya. "How DARE you! You think that..." but she soon froze in place.

Sakuya looked at Patchouli in confusion. During the argument, she'd gone and got a book on how to paralyse bats, and figured the same trick would work on Remilia. It was a good thing it did, otherwise both Patchouli and Sakuya would have been in a hell-load of trouble.

Aya was scribbling on her pad the whole time, covering the entire event.

"Great material! 'Scarlet Devil Rebellion'... I can see the title just now!"

"Let's go." Sakuya mumbled.

"W-wait! I need an interview! Anyone?" Aya desperately asked, but to no avail.

_Dawitsu Mansion, some time later_

Dawitsu was getting a hair-styling session, courtesy of Ran.

"So, you want the spikes to originate _from _the crown?" Ran asked.

"Yeah..."

After a few minutes of wetting, gelling, and drying, Dawitsu's chair was turned around. After looking at himself in the mirror, he moaned, "It's just... not right..."

Ran sighed, "I'm sorry, Master... I guess I can never live up to your expectations..."

"I guess you can't..."

The door-bell rang, and Dawitsu got up, saying, "I'll answer that..."

When he opened the door, Patchouli Knowledge and Sakuya Izayoi slid into view.

"Sakuya! Patchouli! What are you doing here?"

"Well, we heard about what happened to you... Yutaka, and Ran." Patchouli explained.

"Yeah, and we think we may have a solution..." Sakuya added.

"Oh, that's... good, I guess. Please, come in... and..." Dawitsu eyed Sakuya over for a moment.

"What?" she asked.

"Your chest... you haven't..."

"Well, I decided to take what you said on board. Happy now?"

"A little..." Dawitsu said while grinning the same way a child grins after hearing matters relating to excrement.

After sitting in the foyer, and drinking not-quite-the-same tea prepared by Ran, the three discussed the possible solutions.

"I was thinking... you know how you now own Ran?" Patchouli said.

"Yeah?"

"Perhaps you could..." Patchouli waited for Ran to leave as she poured Dawitsu another cup of tea, "...maybe... get Yukari to swap Yutaka back for Ran?"

"But why would she do such a thing?"

"I don't know, but maybe we can convince her it's a bad idea to keep Yutaka and a good idea to keep Ran."

Ran, who had walked far enough to seem like she wouldn't hear the conversation, but in reality, could hear every word, was a little insulted. She could see why they wanted to do this, but she felt a little betrayed... she didn't want to go back to... her abuser.

"So, basically, we need to show her how fantastic Ran is and how... terrible Yutaka is..."

"Yeah, that's the plan." Sakuya said. "Also, please may I have my stopwatch back?"

Dawitsu fumbled in his pockets, and produced the watch. "Here. Thanks for trying to help. In the end I couldn't use it all that well."

"It's okay..."

Patchouli decided to keep the ball rolling in the plan. "Right, I'm going to go to Yukari's house... she won't be looking out for me. I'll deliver the plan... and any other message. Anything you'd like to say?"

Ran, who was still standing in the distance, looking like she was going to explode, rushed towards the Magician.

"Yeah!" Ran shouted, "Tell the girl that no matter how hard I try he just doesn't want me. He wants her! Tell her that! He wants her!"

Dawitsu turned a concerned eye towards Ran, "I'm sorry... I didn't know I was hurting your feelings..."

"You just want to give me away! I'm expendable, worthless, aren't I?"

"No, no... listen to the plan, we're going to do everything but make you look worthless... I'll make sure that Yukari never treats you like dirt again..."

"But I don't want to go back! I was looking forward to a new life, here, with you!"

Patchouli and Sakuya were looking at each other helplessly, knowing the plan had gone to pot.

"Perhaps we can work out a compromise..." Sakuya proposed. "How about we go ahead with Yutaka making herself look bad..."

"It'd make life a little bit easier 'til we fully work out a better plan."

"I guess..." Ran relinquished.

_Mayohiga, about two hours later_

Patchouli had been walking through the monotonous, repetitive ancient Japanese village for about an hour now, and not one house was Yukari's. Eventually, after knocking on her two hundred and fifty-sixth door, the door opened to reveal, not an animal Youkai, but Yutaka... but not the Yutaka Patchouli knew.

She no longer had spiky hair, but instead had curled hair, and was donning a mob-cap. She was wearing Chinese-style clothing, with long sleeves.

"P-Patchy? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here... to deliver a message from your boss... you know, your real boss..." the Magician whispered.

"Huh? He's alive? Yukari was sure she'd killed him..."

"Nope, alive and kicking, but depressed as hell. He misses you a lot... and we've come up with a way to get you back together..."

"What? What?" Yutaka excitedly asked.

"Well, Ran... I guess Dawitsu, now... joined your boss. She's his new Shikigami, and well..."

"What's the plan? Just tell me! If I need to do anything, I'll do it!"

"Okay, then. Here's what you need to do: be as bad a Shikigami as you can. Make Yukari hate your guts. Also mention Ran's new alignment... it may spur her enough to want to trade Shikigami..."

"What does Ran think of all this?"

"Um... why does that matter?"

"Tell me!"

"She doesn't want to leave him. Unfortunately, as much as he's trying to be a good master, he doesn't seem to be warming up to Ran as much as she'd hoped..."

"Oh, boss... he's so careless about showing affection... he never shows it when it's most wanted, and vice versa... how I miss him..."

Patchouli also gave Yutaka a Tokin. "Your boss was wearing this. He said that you'll recognize something about it..."

"This isn't his Tokin. It's similar, but not the same..."

Patchouli smiled. Just the response Dawitsu wanted. "Okay, well, I guess I'd better get going..."

"Actually, Yukari-sama is hibernating... I don't know where, but she's definitely away..."

"Why don't you escape now then?"

"She said if I do, she'll send me to the worst place imaginable..."

"Oh. Well, I'll deliver any message you want to give your Boss."

"Okay. Can you tell him not to worry about me. I'm doing fine at the moment, and I hope that there can be some way to help me out without hurting Ran..."

"Certainly. I'll convey everything I can." Patchouli concluded.

_Dawitsu Mansion, one hour later_

Sakuya and Dawitsu had been talking for hours. Sakuya occasionally took to gazing wistfully into Dawitsu's eyes, but whenever he returned eye contact she flinched and continued talking as if nothing happened.

"So, when do you reckon Patchouli will get back?" Sakuya said, awkwardly changing the subject for the thirteenth time.

"She should be back any second now..." Dawitsu replied, once again going along with her obvious efforts to reduce the awkwardness.

As if on cue, Patchouli floated through the door. "Hello, again! I have messages!"

"Oh! Please, please, tell me what Yutaka said! I miss her so much!"

Sakuya rolled her eyes. She was getting to attached to a guy clearly not interested in her.

"She told you no to worry. She's doing fine... however she was in very different clothes... similar to Ran's I'd say. She knew the Tokin wasn't yours... she also wants our plan to somehow keep Ran happy while pulling the plan off..."

Dawitsu couldn't help but smile at the fact Yutaka recognized the hat. Ran, who was bringing Dawitsu _more _tea, overheard Patchouli. "So she agrees with me... I'm glad."

"Okay Ran, stop making tea now. Sit down and rest. I'm sorry for agreeing to a plan where you lost out."

"And we're sorry for proposing it..." Sakuya added.

Chen entered the foyer in pyjamas. Ran quickly asked, "Why aren't you in bed, Chen?"

"I couldn't sleep... I want the new boss to read me a story..."

"Can't I do that?" Ran asked, trying to save her new master the embarrassment.

"No, if she wants to, she can have a story. I'll tell her a favourite of mine..."

Dawitsu took Chen up to her private quarters, and tucked her into bed as if she was a five-year old child.

"I'm going to tell you the story of Chicken Licken."

"Is it about a chicken youkai?"

"No, just a regular chicken from the outside world. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a chicken named Chicken Licken. He was but a chick, and one day he felt an acorn hit his head. He then said," Dawitsu proceeded to put on a higher-pitched voice, "'Cheap Cheap! The sky is falling down! I must tell the King at once!' He then, on his way to meet the King, he came across... Henny Penny. And Henny Penny said, 'Bawk, Bawk, whatever is the matter, Chicken Licken?' and Chicken Licken shouted, 'The sky is falling down! We need to tell the King!' So Henny Penny and Chicken Licken went to see the King, on their way..."

Many minutes passed, and finally, Dawitsu started to wrap the story up. He had given Turkey Lurkey a wobbly voice, Goosey Loosey a voice similar to Paul O'Grady, Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey both had a lancastrian accent, and Cocky Locky had a brash, masculine voice.

"So then Turkey Lurkey, Goosey Loosey, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Cocky Locky, Henny Penny, and..." Dawitsu paused to gasp for air, "...Chicken Licken all went to see the King. On their way, they met..." and Dawitsu put on his best bond villain voice... "Foxy... Loxy..."

Chen giggled. "You're so funny, Dawi!"

"What did you just call me?"

"Dawi! It suits you! Go on, keep telling me the story!"

"Okay... anyway, Foxy... Loxy... asked the birds, 'Whatever is the matter?', to which they all said, 'The sky is falling down!'. With a sly grin on his face, Foxy Loxy said, 'Well, we'd better tell the King! I know just where he is...'. So Turkey Lurkey, Goosey Loosey, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Cocky Locky, Henny Penny, and Chicken Licken all followed Foxy Loxy... straight to the Foxy Loxy family lair! I guess the King would never find out that the sky was falling down..."

Chen didn't know what to make of the ending, but then laughed, and said, "Thanks, Dawi! I'm... really tired now. I want to fall asleep..."

She followed this sentence with a yawn, and quickly fell asleep. Dawitsu turned the bedside lamp off, and left her to sleep. Upon exiting the bedroom, Dawitsu saw, of all people, Sakuya waiting in the hallway.

"I heard every word of that story..."

Dawitsu wasn't sure where this was going... "And, that's strange because..."

"Oh, you're so kind!" Sakuya exclaimed, hugging Dawitsu somewhat tightly.

"Um, Sakuya... can you please... um... let go? Please?"

Sakuya quickly released Dawitsu from her death-grip of love, and she quickly tried to justify her actions...

"Well... er... sorry..."

"Look, Sakuya, I understand that I've helped you stand up for yourself and all that, but please, don't be like this... friends, okay? I don't really look at you girls in that way..."

"I knew it... you're gay, right?"

"No... well... hmm... I'm not sure if I'm either, really. And it's nothing like that... just that you and I aren't a good couple. How do you reckon the readers will see a Sakuya-OC pairing?"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, never mind... please don't look at me that way. Say, if we can get Yukari where we want her, perhaps... just perhaps... we can get some more guys to come here... and maybe then someone _will _be interested in you that way..."

"Dawitsu..."

"Yeah?"

"Just answer this question... why did you steal Laevateinn when it clearly isn't in your nature to be malevolent..."

"I just... felt like it. A bit of fun. I acknowledged my own stupidity afterwords... and what I said to you at the incident resolution party... I was a douche, okay?"

"Oh... it's like that... well, you're not the first to cause disasters on a whim..."

"Come on, lets continue planning downstairs. I bet Ran and Patchouli are wondering where we are..."

_So the two did just that, and the group continued discussing their options through the night. In the end, they all fell asleep on the sofas in the foyer..._

Author's note: I enjoyed writing this chapter. Threw a little false pairing in just for fun. False protagonists are fun, false _antagonists _are even more fun, but I think false pairings may be a new fanfic-only literary term!


	11. 11: Quid Pro Quo

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 11: Quid Pro Quo**

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, early morning_

Aya was poking the still-paralysed Remilia. Her facial expression wouldn't have shown it, but Remilia's eyes were glowing with hatred.

"Come on, vampire! Unparalyse! I need a story! And stories need quotes! Argh! Do something!"

Remilia remained silent, standing in the same spot she always had been since Patchouli froze her.

"JUST MOVE!" Aya frustratedly yelled, and kicked the statue-like vampire, causing her to topple over like a papiér maché model in the wind.

The shout caused an interested Flandre to venture out the basement. Aya heard the footsteps, but didn't react in time as the blonde vampiress shouted "Boo!" to shock Aya.

"Oh... the... little sister... so, you got your sword back, no problem, I see. It was stolen, just like I said, huh?"

"What's wrong with Remi?" Flandre asked.

Aya knew where this was going and worriedly tried to 'explain', "Um, your big sister's um... sleeping..."

"On the floor? With her eyes open? I sleep with my eyes open, but only because the basement's so dark. Onee-sama, are you okay?" Flandre asked in a friendly way, tugging Remilia's cheek.

When Remilia didn't respond, a rebellious spark entered Flandre's eye. She picked up Remilia like a puppet, and then 'asked' her, "Remi, is it okay if I go outside and play?"

'Remilia', who for obvious reasons had a voice similar to Flandre's muffled voice, said, "Yes, little sister, you're a good girl and you can play out whenever you want."

"Thank you, Remilia! You're the best!"

"No, you're the best!" 'Remilia' replied.

"Aw, I guess I am..." Flandre concluded, and dropped Remilia to rush out of the mansion grounds.

Aya had just sat out to avoid confronting the slightly deranged, super-powerful vampire, but was slightly worried. She knew that for once, her information could be vital. She scribbled everything she could down, and dashed towards Hakurei Shrine.

_Hakurei Shrine, immediately after_

Reimu was enjoying a good bowl of Yukari-Os, some form of cereal-based food, and was ready for a good day of... shrine-maideny work. Of course, whenever Reimu was relaxed, this meant one thing. The wall smashed, somewhat predictably.

"Reimu! Reimu! Scarlet! Scarlet! The little sister! Escaped! Remilia! Incapacitated! Help! Now! Please!"

"Slow down, Aya. And please use the door. It's getting tiresome rebuilding my walls over and over. What is it?"

"Flandre Scarlet's escaped! Remilia isn't with her! She's paralysed because she was being mean to Sakuya and Patchouli shut her up with a spell, then I kicked Remilia over, which was a mistake, but anyway now Flandre's out and dangerous and I don't know what to do!"

"W-w-w-WHAT? Why didn't you stop her?"

"Would you stop a crazed, destructive vampire?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Oh... I guess that's why I came here. Anyway, please, we need to catch her!"

_Mayohiga, circa eight anti meridian_

"Yutaka, please get me some tea... green, with a hint of cumin."

"Yes, Yukari-sama..." Yutaka said, with a genuine grin on her face.

Once the tea was brewed, Yutaka brought the tea through from the kitchen, to Yukari's living room. About a foot from her, though, Yutaka tripped and fell, spilling hot water all over Yukari.

"AH!" Yukari screamed as the scalding water hit her, "Stop falling over! At first, it was Moé and cute, but now it's annoying! Stop it!"

"Sorry, Yukari-sama..." Yutaka insincerely said.

"Oh, you'd best mean that... now, dry that spillage at once! Jeez, it's all over the couch, you're just creating more work. Ugh... I'm going to find Ran, maybe she'll help you out."

"Actually, I heard from Ran that she found a new master."

"W-w-when did she tell you this?"

"While you were hibernating. She said something about my old boss, too..."

"Huh? That retard's dead, ain't he?"

"Nope, I'm pretty sure she's working for him now. Can't think why else she'd mention him and a new master in the same sentence..."

Yukari looked like she was going to explode. "ARGH! That traitor! I'm going to find her, and then, I'm gonna fry her 'til she becomes an interesting new dish!"

"Fried fox? Doesn't sound too tasty, why not let me do the cooking?"

"Because you've been cooking terribly ever since yesterday! What the hell's wrong with you, anyway? Get that smile off your face and start drying the tea stains! I'm going out. DO NOT LEAVE. Got it?"

"Yes Yukari-sama. Anything for you, Yukari-sama."

_Dawitsu Mansion, some time later_

Dawitsu was practising a dance routine. He was doing a complicated, eight-beat routine while Ran and Chen were simply hip-swaying with their hands placed on top their heads like ears.

The speakers in his mansion were playing 'Caramelldansen', whatever that was, and Sakuya and Patchouli were enjoying the show. The music was interrupted, however, by the door-bell ringing.

"Sakuya, please can you get that?" Dawitsu exasperatedly said, while still dancing.

"Okay, okay..." Sakuya muttered, backing towards the door, still watching the performance.

She opened the door, not looking at who was outside- a thunder-faced Yukari Yakumo.

"Hey! Hey!"

"Yeah, hold on, this dance is hilarious!" Sakuya said, half-paying attention.

"Look, we've all seen Caramelldansen."

"I haven't. Look, how awesome does he look with those Shikigami as his backing dancers?" 

"THEY'RE MY SHIKIGAMI!" Yukari shouted. This caught Sakuya's attention.

"Oh... uh... Yukari... well... uh, come in, I'm sure that we can explain everything."

"That's better. Why are you here, anyway?" Yukari mused.

Dawitsu and co stopped dancing, and he smugly declared. "So, oh mighty Border Youkai, what brings you to my humble abode?"

"Shut up and give me back my Shikigami."

"Oh, you are mistaken. These are my Shikigami. Ran's term with you finished on the day you battled me. She then volunteered to join me."

"But... but... hold on, Chen's still mine!"

"No, she's Ran's, which means by proxy, she's mine."

"But... Ran, you don't want to stay with this loser, do you? He's so feeble compared to me!"

Ran calmly replied, "He treats me with dignity. Power isn't everything."

Yukari growled, "Look, you worthless kitsune! I don't have to take this defiance! It's no way to talk to..."

"To who? Your mistress?" Dawitsu mocked. "You're not her mistress. She is happily here. So, please leave. I have several dance routines planned, so please leave. I intend to act as a support act to the Prismriver's concert three days from now, so we have a lot of practice to do."

"Hmph! That Yutaka's useless, and now that... ugh!" Yukari quickly disappeared into a gap.

Patchouli asked Dawitsu, "So, do you reckon it's worked?"

"Perhaps. I'm still not sure how we're gonna keep Ran from being re-hired though..."

Aya broke into the Dawitsu mansion at just the right time, along with Reimu. Aya was hysterically shouting random words, including 'Flandre', 'Escaped' and 'Danger'. Reimu was considerably calmer.

"Look, Dawitsu, I don't like you, you don't like me, but have you seen Flandre Scarlet anywhere?"

"No..." Dawitsu attempted to continue, before Patchouli gasped, and flusteredly said, "Oh God! I never should have froze Remilia! She's gonna kill us all if we don't do something! Ah! No!"

Reimu sighed. "If you can't help, then I'll head off."

"So cold, Reimu. You tsudere, you!" Dawitsu cheekily remarked.

"Shut up. I still don't know what that means. Come on, Aya."

Aya, who had been babbling nonsensically throughout the conversation, nodded, continued babbling, and dashed through the wall. Reimu slowly floated out the fresh hole.

Sakuya and Patchouli were panicking. Dawitsu was concerned, but suddenly had a light-bulb moment that required him to be all but concerned.

"Hey! That's given me a great idea!"

"What? How can this crisis give you an idea?"

"I know exactly how I can get Yutaka back..."

_Forest of Magic, Mid-day_

The dense canopy of the Forest was keeping Flandre nice and sheltered. She was approaching Alice Margatroid's house.

Within the house, Alice was nursing an injured Marisa. Humans tended to be more susceptible to knife wounds.

"Marisa..." Alice said, concernedly, "You need anything?"

"You've been waiting on me hand and foot for like, half a week... why?"

"Well, um... I still need you to fix my house..."

"Oh... here's me thinking you were helping me because you had, like, some lesbian crush on me or something..."

Alice blushed, and turned away from Marisa for a bit. "Uh... heh, in your dreams, Marisa."

"...Heh, I was only joking, I knew you were getting something out of this. Why so serious?"

"Eh... what are you talking about, I was just playing along with the joke..."

The atmosphere could be cut with a knife, but Flandre felt that a Laevateinn was a better instrument for the job. Alice's house was bisected, leaving the upstairs bedroom Alice was nursing Marisa in intact, just making the rest of the house ten times more visible... and plaster-covered.

Oh yeah, all the fire didn't help either.

"Ah! Marisa! Flandre's attacking my house!"

"Well, I'm crippled, I can't do anything!"

"Oh damn it!" she yelled, and picked up Marisa and the duvet that was covering her, and rushed outside.

Flandre caught sight of Alice, "Hello! I'm just playing with your house! Don't worry, I'll give it back!"

"It's no good if you give it back destroyed... NO!" Alice suddenly remembered her doll collection.

She lay Marisa on the ground, ran into her blazing house, and picked up a horde of Dolls, before leaving.

"Okay, head count. Shanghai, Hourai, France, Holland, Tibet, Kyoto, Russia, Orleans, and... secret project. Yeah, you're all here."

"Who's secret project?" Marisa moaned, rolling over to see the pile of dolls.

Alice frantically tried to hide the 'Secret Doll' in the pile. Flandre ruined her efforts as she turned her attention from slashing Alice's house to the doll.

"Oh, that doll looks tons like Marisa! You're so talented!"

Alice was red from head to toe. "Uh... what are you talking about, Flandre?"

Marisa crawled towards the doll collection, and searched for the doll.

"D-don't look at my dolls... I'll never forgive you..."

Marisa eventually salvaged her own effigy. "What the hell's this?"

But before any answer could be heard, Reimu's voice screamed, "FLANDRE! I know you're here, I can see your flames from here... oh, no! Alice!"

Reimu appeared on the scene, Flandre quickly flew away, and Aya appeared shortly after.

Marisa weakly looked at Reimu... "Before you say it, no, I didn't set Alice's house on fire. But, please, get her to explain why she's got a freakin' DOLL OF ME!"

Aya, who was hysterically babbling a millisecond before, quickly took to writing down the new gossip.

"So, you have a Marisa Doll! It's so cute!" Aya remarked, taking it off Marisa, and started to play with it.

She put on a 'Human impression' voice, and said, "I'm Marisa, I save the day because I want to steal things. I'm a thief, and Alice likes me a lot!"

Reimu sighed, "Damn it, I know that this fire was caused by Flandre. I need to catch that girl!"

Alice was trying to sneak away with eight ninths of her dollerama, but Reimu stopped her.

"Damn it, Alice, put that fire out! It's your house. I'll try to get Flandre to repair it, though I make no promises. Also, the best policy is the truth, so make whatever strange obsession you have with Marisa known... it'll give Aya something to write about while _I _catch that girl."

_Mayohiga, two o'clock_

After five close encounters with the local disaster resolution specialist, Flandre decided to go into hiding. She was hiding behind a dog youkai's house, and she seemed to have finally outrun the shrine maiden. However, she soon felt hands on her mouth.

"Don't scream." a voice not belonging to Reimu said.

She turned around to see Dawitsu. "Who are you? Why don't you have long hair, and what's this hair-like stuff on your chin? What are you?"

"I'm Dawitsu. The guy who stole your sword. I just want to say I'm sorry..."

"You made my Laevateinn go missing?"

"Yeah. Also... come out, guys."

Ran, Sakuya, Patchouli, and Chen all revealed themselves from their hiding places (A hole in the ground, a rift in time-space, a post, and a bin respectively) and joined Dawitsu and Flandre.

"Why are you... no, I'm not going back to the basement! No!" Flandre shouted as she saw Sakuya.

"No, no, no, stop shouting... we're gonna let you play... a little longer. Just come with us..." Patchouli explained.

Patchouli led the group to where she knew Yukari lived. "Here, Flandre. We're going to ask Yukari if you can play with her house. And if she's a big meanie, we'll let you." Dawitsu told Flandre. "Now, stay for the moment."

Dawitsu knocked on Yukari's door. Yutaka answered the door. Overjoyed, Dawitsu hugged his ex-shikigami. "Alright, soon, you'll be living with me again. Just... play along for now. Act shocked."

Yutaka nodded, and shouted falsely, "Oh no! It's my ex-boss! Yukari-sama, oh Yukari-sama, help me!"

Yukari approached, and pushed Yutaka out of her way. "Right, what do you want? There's nothing you have of value to get her back, you know..."

"Well, how about this?" Dawitsu proposed, gesturing towards Flandre. "This... escapee is having a lot of fun destroying properties. And she's turned her... quite pretty, actually, eye to your house. Now, I'm willing to let her have fun, but if you're not up for that..."

"You're bluffing. You wouldn't dare..."

"Really? Wouldn't I? Flandre, go ahead, she's a big meanie after all..."

Flandre ran towards the house, excited.

"No, no, no, no, no, NO!" Yukari screamed. "Okay, okay, fine. She's terrible anyway. She'd always do as she was told, but mess up! She was trying to be Moé, but too hard! She doesn't even have animal ears or a tail! She's pointless! Go on, take her! That's what you want, isn't it? Take her! Just don't take my house!"

Dawitsu quickly told Flandre, "Stop! She's listened to me. Don't play with the house."

"Aw, but I was really looking forward to it..." Flandre moaned, and continued walking towards the house.

"NO! Listen, Flandre, if you don't stop I'll..." but Dawitsu only had empty threats. Patchouli did not, however. She poked Flandre, recited the same spell she did on Remilia, and watched as she froze and fell over.

Yutaka ran out of Yukari's house, happy that the plan worked. Dawitsu ran towards his Shikigami, and they both hugged it out as if they were a pair of gym buddies. They performed some form of secret handshake, and Dawitsu sang, "Oh, how I've missed you..."

"I've missed you too..."

"I have a special task for you when we get home, Yutaka..."

"What's that?"

Sakuya grinned, and said, "Oh, you'll see..."

_Dawitsu Mansion, late night_

Dawitsu, and his set of three shikigami were all prepared to dance the routine.

"Argh! This ain't right unless there's a fifth dancer! Patchy, do you want to join us up here?"

"Well I'm not sure if I'd be that good, with my asthma and all..." Patchouli used as an excuse, "Sakuya's probably good, you know, timing and everything."

"Um... er... well..."

"Come on, Sakuya! Dance up here! It's energetic, but real easy to remember! It's called Hare Hare Yukai!"

Sakuya smiled, and said, "Sure, why not."

So the five danced the night away, while Patchouli and a frozen Flandre watched, laughing and humming the whole way.

_Aru, hareta, hi no koto, maho ijo no yukai ga. Kaneriniku, furisosogu, hukai no janai wa! Ashita, mata au toki, wara ina gara HUMMINGu, urahisha wo, atsumayo, kantan nandayo konano. Oikakatene... tsuka maete mite... ookina yume, yume, suki desho._

Author's note: Aw, how sweet! They got back together. And what's more HARE HARE YUKAI! OH MY GOD! I'VE BEEN WAITING TO INSERT SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR AGES!


	12. 12: All's well that ends well

Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's folly

**Chapter 12: All's well that ends well**

_Hakurei Shrine, early morning_

The clock had barely struck five o'clock yet Reimu was having trouble sleeping. She knew she had to sleep, but was restless due to Flandre still being out of her house.

Eventually she succumbed to her worries, and made herself some Miso Ramen. Rubbing the sleep off her eyes, she slowly ate the soup. She dragged herself away from the table a good time later, and walked in a zombie-like fashion out the door. Her destination was anywhere she could search, but seen as the floating mansion was literally right above her shrine, she decided to check there first.

Pressing the now-visible doorbell once again, she waited for an answer. The door opened to reveal Ran, Chen, _and _Yutaka.

"What's going on here? You two were here before, too... why aren't you with your master?" Reimu questioned, obviously aimed at Ran and Chen.

"Well, we are with our master... Dawitsu owns us now..." Ran explained.

Reimu was too tired to react more enthusiastically, and simply took the news as it came. "Oh, that means that... heh, Yukari won't be my ally in any more games at this rate, her only good point was the lock-on Shikigami feature..."

Chen didn't quite get the fourth wall breaking, and simply said, "Dawi tells me bedtime stories! He told me the story of Red Riding Hood last night! I still don't get why there's no danmaku in the stories, but I like him!"

"That's wonderful." Reimu coldly replied, "Can you please get your master..."

Yutaka decided to take the baton of speaking this time, and said, "Certainly, please come in. Do you want a tour, like last time?"

"Last time your boss was in the foyer... wait, you weren't though. Okay, just what's going on here?"

"It's a long story, but I'll get my boss to come down here anyway. Perhaps he'll tell you."

"Hmm, I'm only here to ask him one quick question..."

After about five minutes, Yutaka returned with her boss. Dawitsu, unlike his somewhat tireless trio of shikigami, was incredibly groggy, his hair frizzed outwards.

"Ugh... hello, Reimu. It's four o'clock in the morning... why on earth are you visiting me?"

Yutaka chuckled at the reference. "But boss, it's nearly five..."

"I know that... you knew why I said it..."

"Of course I do, sir."

"Look, you two, stop this... friendly banter or whatever the hell it is you're up to. Have you seen Flandre Scarlet?" 

"Um... well, about that..." Dawitsu said, before entering his aquarium. He returned holding a frozen Flandre like a cardboard cut-out.

"Here you go... do you want to take her back to her home, or should I?" 

"What did you do to her... she doesn't look... all that healthy."

"Oh, the frozen thing. Ask Patchouli Knowledge, I don't have a clue how to reverse it."

"SHE'S HERE TOO? Just what's up here? Seriously, surprising event after surprising event is just making itself known."

"Well, she was here before, why's it such a big deal now?"

"Because she's stayed overnight... again. Next, you'll be saying that the other visitor you had, Sakuya's here too..."

"Actually, she is." Yutaka calmly stated.

Reimu slowly approached the nearest wall, hit her head on the aforementioned wall, and then returned back to where she was speaking with Dawitsu.

"Real pain... I'm not having some kind of abstract dream... oh, you weirdos have fun, I'm going to bed. I'm probably hallucinating or something..."

"That's probably for the best..." Yutaka said, and followed Reimu, and closed the mansion door behind her.

"So, should we return Flandre?"

"Wait until Patchy's up."

So they waited, all four of them sleeping in their respective quarters. The sun rose at around eight anti meridian that day, and 'Morning Mood' started playing through Dawitsu's speakers at half eight. Yutaka awoke almost instantly afterwards, and proceeded to walk into her bedroom, where Patchouli was sleeping for the time being.

"Patchouli... wake up, there's something to do..."

"Oh, hello, Yutaka. It's good to see you back to your old self. I don't know why, but even though I've only known you for a short time, it's like you've been around for ever."

"I'm glad to hear that. So, I never asked... hows the terrain manipulation going?"

"I'm not quite as skilled as you are, but I'm getting there. I almost constructed my own type of plant the other day, but it's hard thinking of all the intricate bodily functions and controlling them..."

"When it comes to life forms, I usually base them on existing ones, as they require less mental maintenance. The Amazon rainforest has so many interesting plants, so when I'm having fun, I create an industrial environment that's in harmony with that sort of plant-life."

"Oh, I'm so jealous of you... seeing the outside world. Where else has your boss taken you?"

"Well, there was a place called Ibiza, which my Boss loved, but it wasn't really my thing. We also went to Turkey, to a hotel called Hillside Beach Club. It was fantastic... the staff would perform every night at nine o'clock."

"So, you could just integrate with humans flawlessly?" Patchouli asked, getting out of the bed she was in.

"Well, believe it or not, there's a lot of Youkai in the outside world. However, they don't throw their power around in case Yukari Yakumo notices and spirits them away... the ones who do usually want to come here..."

"Oh, so Yukari herds the Youkai here?"

"I think so..."

Sakuya entered the bedroom, wondering why she hadn't seen Patchouli in the foyer yet.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Just chatting. You know, the outside world sounds really fun, Sakuya... we'll have to find a weak point in the border some time." Patchouli replied.

"Er, I'm not sure if you two will be so readily accepted into outside-world society..." Yutaka attempted to steer them away from the idea.

"Why wouldn't we?" Sakuya asked, "Is it the outfit?"

"Well, sort of... also, you can't knife people in the outside world... it's illegal."

"Well, we'll just keep low key. Go to Ibiza and see if we love it or hate it..." Patchouli said.

Dawitsu, who had gained curiosity at what was taking Yutaka so long to get Patchouli up, also entered the bedroom.

"Hey, guys! What's up?"

Yutaka helplessly said, "They want to see the outside world..."

"What made them want that?" Dawitsu asked.

"Well... I sort of mentioned our holiday in Ibiza and Turkey..."

"Oh, I see. Want to see the bright lights too? Well, I don't see why not..."

"See, Yutaka, you're just paranoid! Maybe we should go together! You can show us round!" Sakuya said.

"I really don't think this is such a good idea..." Yutaka said in futility.

"Come on, it doesn't have to be now... but when we can find out more about the border, we can have a grand old time! Tour the world, with new friends! Don't you think that'd be fantastic?"

But before Yutaka could answer, Aya decided to barge in in her own destructive way.

"Hello, ever-growing household! I'm here to return your Tokin, Mr Dawitsu! It ran a little over-time, this experiment!"

"Oh, I almost forgot..." Dawitsu replied- he'd gotten used to the hat. "Yeah, so how many people noticed your hat was strange?"

"No-one! It was a real disappointment. You?" Aya answered, returning the hat to Dawitsu.

"One..." Dawitsu said, meaningfully looking at his original Shikigami.

"Ah, must be nice to have someone notice the more subtle things..."

"I guess. One of the things people take for granted."

"So, any gossip that may turn heads?"

"Hey, you can't publish any articles about me, remember?"

Aya sweat-dropped, "Oh, yeah... of course..." and quickly dashed out of the house, leaving another hole in the wall.

"We've really got to get her to stop that habit." Patchouli remarked.

"Oh, I hope we can get to the outside world at some point..." Sakuya wistfully said.

_The Netherworld, mid-day_

Yuyuko was 'helping' Youmu prepare the imminent feast for the practising Prismriver Sisters. She was doing this by eating the occasional uncooked sausage roll.

Youmu sighed, "Mistress, you'll give yourself food poisoning."

"Come on, Youmu! They're even better raw, and besides, I'm a ghost. I have no digestive tract to infect."

"Then where does the food you eat go?" Youmu asked, slightly curious.

Yuyuko put on a stupid face, and said, "Magic." before snorting twice.

Youmu simply ignored her childish mistress, and put the sausage rolls in the oven.

Merlin Prismriver entered Yuyuko's kitchen to validate a few things.

"Hey, so the concert's in two days, isn't it? Because we're practically done now."

"What? You're saying that... no..." Youmu feared the onslaught of extra work she was about to undertake.

"Of course she's saying what you think she's saying. You want to do the concert tonight, don't you?"

"Absolutely. There's a support act that needs informing, but if you can arrange that, I'm sure the ghosts will love it!"

"They sure will... Youmu, make extra food, I want the whole netherworld to have a jolly good time!"

Youmu knew this was coming, and sadly said, "Yes, Mistress."

_Dawitsu Mansion, immediately afterwards_

Ran and Chen were making a hearty English Breakfast for lunch. Flandre had been returned successfully, however Patchouli decided to hold back on restoring Remilia and her sister's movement.

"Chen, please make some scrambled eggs for me..."

"Yes, Ran-sama! But... how do you make scrambled eggs?"

Yutaka entered the parlour, and took over from Chen, "It's okay, I'll show you now. All you have to do is..."

She hit an egg on the edge of a pan, breaking it's shell, and released the contents into the pan. "You break the egg _just like that. _Do it wrong and you'll end up with yolk on your sleeves."

"I don't have sleeves..."

"Oh, you don't. Well, you'll get it on your hands then. Next, add a bit of butter, milk, and pinch of salt and pepper."

Chen watched in awe as Yutaka effortlessly formed a fluffy, protein-rich side dish. "And that's it. Ask the boss to make cupcakes some day if you like cooking."

Chen turned to Ran. "I like this new house. Can we stay forever? Everyone's so nice."

"Absolutely. Thank you, Yutaka. You're a good mentor."

Dawitsu called from the foyer, "Hey, everyone! How's the fry-up going?"

"Almost done..."

Sakuya and Patchouli had never had an English Breakfast before, and were looking forward to it. Dawitsu had tried to convey his passion for it, but not nearly as much as fried breakfasts deserve.

"You know, I can honestly say I've had some of the best times of my life here..." Sakuya said.

"I'm glad you like it here. I think that you need to see the outside world. Most of my Mansion is based on something from there. I can't wait to show you it..."

"I want to see the Rainforest when we get there..." 

"Oh, you're definitely a magician, aren't you? Yutaka has a real thing for Amazonian plants..."

"Yeah, she's said..." 

A call from the kitchen indicated the lunch was ready. Yutaka, Ran and Chen all carried two plates each, and they sat down on the foyer sofas, handing a plate to each person, each keeping one plate for themselves.

Silence overtook the Dawitsu Mansion, as the residents were too busy scoffing the highly salty, incredibly tasty combination of Bacon, Sausage, Scrambled Eggs, Mushroom, and Tomato.

"Oh, this is fantastic! I'll have to show this to Remilia... actually, maybe I'll keep it a secret, and let her keep eating blood..." Sakuya remarked.

"Actually, some people eat 'Black Pudding' as part of their English Breakfasts. That contains plenty of blood, so maybe you should prepare it for her."

"Really? Oh, well, I'll see."

After they finished, Chen was dying to ask Dawitsu a question. "Dawi, how do I make cupcakes."

Dawitsu looked at Yutaka, smiled, and said to Chen, "Come to the kitchen, my girl."

Upon entering, he burst into song.

"All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix, add a little something sweet, not sour, a bit of salt, just a pinch!" Dawitsu winked at the hypnotised Chen at this point, and continued, "Baking this treat is such a sinch, add a teaspoon of vanilla! Add a little more, and you count to four, and you never get your filler! Cupcakes! So sweet and tasty, cupcakes, don't be too hasty, cupcakes, cupcakes cupcakes, CUPCAKES!"

Dawitsu ended kneeling on the floor in some kind of victory pose. "MAN, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT!"

Chen looked puzzled, and said, "Okay, Dawi, I'll try doing that now. I hope it works..."

Dawitsu hoped so too...

Half an hour later, after Sakuya and Patchouli finally decided to go home, a certain three poltergeists mysteriously appeared in the foyer, causing Yutaka to run into the kitchen.

"Boss! Chen! There's g-g-g-ghosts in the foyer!"

"Oh, a Scooby-Doo reference? That's an unusual one." Dawitsu commented. "So, are there actually ghosts in the foyer?"

"Yes, it's the Prismrivers. Looking for you in particular..."

Dawitsu went to see them, leaving Chen unaccompanied in the kitchen, leaving a trace of unease in his mind.

"Hello. What brings you here? It's two days 'til the concert..."

"Yeah, well..." Lyrica started. "We're kinda sorted, so we figured we'd start the concert early. All the other support acts are fine with it. All we need is your approval."

"Well... uh..." Dawitsu knew that the support act was fine his end, but needed to make sure that Ran and Chen knew their steps. "Yutaka, you know Caramelldansen, right?" 

Yutaka nodded.

"Yeah, you've got to do it with me. Also with Ran and Chen... you cool with that?"

"Sure, boss. I'm not doing a lead role, right?"

"No, just support dancer. Nothing complicated. I'll be doing that."

Lunasa smiled, "Well, it's settled, then. Merlin, anything you'd like to add?"

"Yeah, what on earth are those yellow things with mesh on in the corners of the room? My instincts say they make noise, but how?" 

"They convert electronic pulses into vibrations. The vibrations subsequently create sound. Do you want a sneak preview at our routine?"

All three poltergeists agreed that they needed to see this, even if it was only to observe the mysterious devices is action.

"Ran, Chen! Come here, we're dancing!"

Chen skipped through from the kitchen, singing, "I've just taken the cupcakes out of the oven... oh, I can't sing about cupcakes like you can, Dawi..."

Ran entered the foyer some time later, and explained, "I was spending time in Locria's level... it's an interesting house design, that's for sure. So we're doing the dance? Practice, or..." she noticed the Prismrivers, "Oh, for real? Okay, here goes..."

The music came on, and they started dancing the hilarious, repetitive, and altogether Moé dance.

_Forest of Magic, during former events_

Alice Margatroid was still embarrassed about yesterday's events, and was wandering the forest aimlessly. She soon bumped into someone she hadn't hoped to see- a fellow magician.

Patchouli Knowledge grinned, and waved a Bunbunmaru Newspaper at her. "Oh, I've heard quite a bit about you. The funny thing is, I think there's an element of truth in this article... there's even a photo of the doll to prove it! So what's it all about, eh?"

Alice knew she was getting her just desserts, but couldn't just sit there and take abuse. "I... I'm making a voodoo doll. To hurt her..."

"But yet you were nursing her up to health after her encounter with Sakuya? Something doesn't add up..."

Alice's mind was debating on whether to tell the truth or not... then she figured Patchouli wasn't Gensokyo's most eminent figure, so decided to tell all.

"Okay... I'll tell you... I'm in love with her! I can't explain it! She just... I don't know, she's so mean to me, but I can't help but like it when she speaks to me... I just wanted a little memento of her to be with me at all times..." Alice was frustratedly clutching her face. "Why? Why do I love her so much? She doesn't deserve it! I don't have time to love! Argh!"

Patchouli hushed her, "Alright, alright, calm down. That human truly doesn't deserve it, but it's no problem if you love her. Just accept it's a part of you and move on. Hmph, picking on people isn't that fun at all now that I finally get the opportunity to do so..."

Alice, who was slightly confused as to why Patchouli hadn't relentlessly attacked her with verbal abuse, humbly said, "That... you're strange, Patchouli. Thanks for... I'm not sure, but thanks for whatever it is you just did for me..."

_The Netherworld, ten post meridian_

Yuyuko was standing on a stage, which would soon bear the netherworld's greatest musical talent, the Prismriver Sisters. There was a innumerable crowd of white, floating orbs in some kind of mosh-pit.

"Gather round, one and all! The Prismriver Sisters are glad to perform for you tonight, however, we have several guest performers too... please welcome to the stage... Youmu and the Half-Ghosts! Their unique playing style involves making physical contact with the instruments!"

Backstage, Youmu rushed away, along with four other half ghosts, all carrying instruments of some sort. Dawitsu, who was still surprised at the fact Youmu had a band, let alone ones all the same half-breed as her, whispered to Yutaka, "I hope they don't upstage us..."

"I'm sure they won't..."

However, the performance was incredible, being a form of synth-rock. The ghost crowd loved it, and Youmu's singing voice was strikingly powerful for such a submissive individual. Her half-ghost buddies were dressed in more rock-and-roll attire, but the star of the show was definitely the gardener herself.

"Reminds me of Muse... you know, if they had a female singer." Dawitsu acknowledged.

"Yeah, I think so too..." Yutaka agreed.

Ran and Chen had no clue who Muse was, so just nodded and waited. When the song was over, the ghosts were hyped. Youmu entered backstage, and screamed with joy.

"AHHH! THEY LOVED IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LOVED IT!" she shouted.

"Yeah, you were quite something out there. I never knew you sang..." Dawitsu complimented.

"Yeah, I sort of admitted it through this concert..."

"Well, it was a great way to do it. Say, we're up next..."

Yuyuko's voice said, "Now, here's a real treat! Dancing for you tonight, featuring local celebrities Ran Yakum... uh, Dawitsu and Chen, here's the newcomers with an outside-world dance known as Caramelldansen!"

Dawitsu ran onto the stage, dragging Ran with him. Yutaka sidled along with him, and Chen sprinted after noticing two seconds too late.

Dawitsu winked at Yutaka. "This is it, guys..."

They performed the routine, flawlessly, apart from a couple stumbles on Chen's part, however, this was not noticed by the ecstatic ghost crowd.

Afterwards, the Prismrivers personally congratulated the group of dancing shikigami, and gave them mementos in the form of three metal necklaces, one for each instrument.

"Thanks a lot guys, it was an honour performing for you. Hey, I have more outside-world music to play if they want more samples..."

"That may be possible." Lyrica said.

"Now, we're gonna go out there and knock 'em dead!" Merlin shouted.

"Again!" Lunasa added.

"Good luck... not that you need it. You lot are the most epic musicians I've ever set eyes on..." Dawitsu concluded.

Yuyuko started announcing once again, "Now, one and all, it's the moment you've all been waiting for! The Phantom Ensemble, led by the one and only... PRISMRIVER SISTERS!"

The three poltergeists teleported from the backstage area, and Dawitsu left to take an audience's perspective. Yutaka, Ran and Chen joined him, and they all enjoyed the concert to the full, knowing the future was going to be great for all of them from now on...

_Mayohiga, during previous events_

Yukari was sitting in her bed, eating her favourite chocolate cake.

"Oh, damn it... I actually miss that fox and that cat! Oh, I guess there's only one place I can go..."

She picked up a mobile phone from under her bed, and dialled a number containing eleven digits.

"Hey... hey!"

When the recipient finally answered, she said, "Hey, Chuck, it's Yukari. You wouldn't be able to help an old girl out, would you?"

The response was a punch through the phone, somehow. Yukari hung up, and simply remarked, "Damn Chuck Norris..."

_So all was well in Gensokyo, and the world seemed in harmony. And with Yukari's de-motivation, there was every chance that the border would become weak enough for a little holiday after all..._

Author's note: I'm afraid this is the end, guys! Thank you, Metroid Life, for beta-reading and continued patronage of this fanfiction.

I loved writing every last chapter, and even though it's been time consuming, it's been worth every minute. Now, guys! All you other guys... besides Metroid Life, what were you thinking during the ups and downs of this fanfic? This is the last chapter, so it's the best time to review!

I love you all, and I'd like to give a big e-hug to the readers! All you Philippino, Costa Rican, and Chinese people really make me realise how international this site is!

I'm all happy! I want this author's note to go on forever!


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